Well I have embarked on another trip to the city of Angles (right angled streets).
As I try to turn my woes into woos on ths shorter visit than usual I arrive at Virgin with my bag in tow. My bag which has British Airways written all across it. My check in person tells me that I'm not allowed that bag in this area and bang goes my chance of an upgrade.
First I head for a quick snack before bording which is always a sausage sandwich and tea. As I believe that they don't exist in America. One time before a flight at this period I picked up a Christmas Card by the letter box as I left and took it with me. I opened it whilst having a tea at the airport. The stages of buying a card and sending it to me went something like this. 1) It's Christmas let's send Jeremy a card 2) Let's got to the shop and pick a card - oh that one looks nice - lots of glitter - very Christmasy 3) Write in card, put it in post 4) Delivery of a day or three 5) Process in which all the glitter has fallen off the card and stored itself in sticky section of envelope and dried up there 6) Delivery of card to recipient (me) 7) oh that's nice someone has sent me a card 8) Open envelope 9)Watch as an explosion of glitter greets you and covers you completely, all over your jacket and lap 10) Sit open mouthed as your think that you now have to walk through security looking like a fairy.
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| sausages! | | | | | |
As I arrive at security I await my turn to step through the mental detector (thank god i took my pills). I proceed to take off my coat not noticing the old woman behind me has bent over to take off her shoes my elbow has reached the prime position to hit her on the head as she stands back up. I worry next that as I take off my belt i'll whip it off and slash her face before my trousers fall down and she falls into my crutch. As I take off my boots and of course drop 2 inches in height I then realize I have my I love chips socks on.
I get the odd look but thank god I didn't wear my I love bombs socks!
After getting through and laughed at for socks, shortness and trousers falling down I then get asked if they can swipe my bag. I have no idea what they are swiping it for drugs? dynamite? copies of Pippa Middletons book? I wanted to ask but thought better of it.
I head straight for the gate and arrive at boarding still trying to hide the name on my bag.
I get my seat and then wait anxiously to see if I've booked it right in that there was no-one booked into the seat next to me. Whilst I wait for some movement I start to plan my viewing for the flight.
The guy two seats away is reading out loud every film title in the magazine and asking his mate what they are about so I listen to what 21 Jump street is about and think if that guys watching it then I don't want to.
I first decide to watch this film
After watching that film I decide I will never watch a film ever again unless it involves General Zod. So I play this for 10 hours straight.
The guy who was reading out the films has now taken to reading pornography on the plane.
You can actually see his lips doing a 'phwoar look at the knockers on that broad' action.
After still now being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in even with the assistance of two chairs I back down on my rule of never watching a film again and decide I will watch the worst films I can out of them all. I watch Wrath of the Titans, The Amazing Spiderman (which wasn't that bad) and Battleship (the one with Rhianna in and is actually based on the boardgame - although no one in the film shouts out 'YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP' at any point).
When we finally arrive at LAX there is an announcement. A passenger is 'sick' and the paramedics are coming on board to take a look at him. The passenger is about 3 rows behind me so I can hear what is going on. Apparently the passenger will not open his eyes. I first imagine that Arnie has been on board and his daughter has been kidnapped. And the guy in question is the bad guy escort that he has killed by neck breakage before telling the hostess that his friend is Dead Tired before putting a hat on his face. The passenger has actually taken too many pills. That or he watched Jon Carter On Mars as I did and refuses to open his eyes again.
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