An Eye for an Eye Halloween

So this year I was finally in Los Angeles for Halloween. 

From what I have seen over the years Americans go crazy for Halloween and I don't mean they all go around sacrificing goats to our Lord Satan whilst smearing themselves in blood and have a ritualistic orgy. Well if they do then why haven't I been invited to these parties? 

No they go trick or treating, dress up in costumes and decorate their front yards to resemble the home of The Munsters. 

On Halloween night my friends and I were sitting out int the front yard with an obscene amount of candy to give out. It got to a point where I told 'treaters' to take a handful instead of just one piece at a time just to get rid of them. 

I was probably responsible for the whole neighborhood developing diabetes over night.

Here is what greeted kids on venturing to our house.

One thing that did occur to me during the trick or treat session was that it looked very strange on occasion when the ladies had gone back in and myself and Dave were just two men trying to entice children to come close to our house with candy.

As you can see I went all out with my Halloween outfit. My idea was I was a Mod who had taken a short cut through an archery range. 

A simple use of two sawn down arrows, a Primark pair of fake glasses a Paul Smith mod target tshirt  (which is now ruined by the hole in the target), a prosthetic eye piece, make up, stick gum glue and three pieces of cardboard strapped tightly around my chest with a belt (couldn't breathe).

So off I went to a Halloween party at the Grandstar Jazz Club in Chinatown for a Morrissey/Smiths themed night. Pretty much everyone there was in costume. To a point where it suddenly became very normal to say 'Oh look cyclops is here' and then later 'Jean Grey is here as well' like the X-Men were having a night off. Mulder and Scully turned up (whether they were investigating a case there or not). Mad Max was attached, literally to Furiosa by a blood transfusion line. Pee Wee Herman showed up, a fat Robert SmithMacho Man Randy Savage was on the dancefloor with a mini Hulk Hogan and was busting out some moves that incorporated showing off his guns, doing a flying elbow and the international symbol for 'I want that belt around my waist'. Anyway Macho Man won the costume contest.

Later on I realised that my costume was a hindrance on myself be able to enjoy the night fully. 

1) I couldn't see out of the eye with the arrow in. Therefore I had to turn my head a lot to look at things. Stairs were also a problem. 

2) I couldn't go on the dancefloor at all incase someone backed into me and the arrows I had going into my chest and into my eye could potentially end up IN my chest and IN my eye. The type of headline you'd read in The Sun:

After actually having someone mimicing themselves using their hand and throwing their palm towards my eye arrow I decided to take them out.

What was amusing was seeing Mario and Luigi sat at the bar together getting drunk. Mulder and Scully from the X-files having a dance and not dancing well (as you kind of would imagine they wouldn't dance well in real life). Then seeing Jon Snow on his own looking very glum on the side of the dancefloor. Maybe because he was not allowed to speak to any women due to being in the Nights Watch.

Going Underground in LA

After my obligatory night in on arriving - this is what I arrived to in my hosts fridge

It's like they knew I was coming

However this was not for my benefit, they were leftovers from a party the week before.

I have my first day ahead of me in LA which is spent 1) Walking along a highroad for about 2 miles to get a US sim card for my phone and 2) Walking another 2 miles to get some stick gum glue for a future Halloween costume (more on that in my next blog). 
The first contact I have with a stranger is when some old guy in the phone store can't believe I'm wearing black skinny jeans in this weather (it was prob around 30 degrees). I explain that 'I'm English' and that seems to do the trick (or he can't understand my accent). 

After getting my sim card I venture to 'Party City' which is a chain of megastores for all your essential party gear: balloons, costumes, painkillers. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a real city where people just partied 24/7 resulting in anarchy and a breakdown of society. 

I then went to Ihop whose fries I adore. They also recommend this...

Which makes me wonder...Does it make bacon better with bacon? 

Friday night is Club Underground night a mix of Britpop, Indie, New Wave, Post-punk and Synth. I've been going to Club Underground since I first came to LA in 2008.

Me at Club Underground 2009 (at bar green t shirt - alone)

t's a spin off from the legendary Cafe Bleu which ran from 1996-2000. If you were in London between those years the equivalent would have been indie night Popscene that used to run at the LA2. Here's a nice little article by the LA Times A scene of their own from 1997 on the club including an interview with founder and acquaintance Piper Ferguson who is now an established music photographer and video director. You can catch her amazing work here. I actually worked with Piper on her first short film director debut which you can watch here (I'm in the nightclub scene - I look like an idiot dancing). I also just been informed from original Cafe Bleu DJ Dia that contrary to the article above 'Courtney Love did not DJ at Cafe Bleu' but 'she was making out with a girl from Kenickie while I was spinning and it was totally annoying'. I think that pretty much gives an indication of the status of Cafe Bleu.

Club Underground has been well established and thee indie night to go to in LA. As a Brit I'm constantly surprised at the record dropped at this club (who would thin Pure by the Lightening Seeds would be know in the US). But DJ's Larry and Diane always put on a great night. Plus if you get there early you can get absolutely wasted on the cranberry and vodkas happy hour (no real measurements here).

As Halloween was coming up there were a few people in fancy dress including these two Britpoppers.

Coffee and TV Blur Milk Cartons 

Next up Halloween!

Phoenix in flight

Hello campers!

Well Blur are back Britpop is back TFI Friday is back so I thought I'd cash in with resurrecting my Los Angeles blog (even though I hadn't actually been to Los Angeles in the 90s).

Sorry if you've been waiting these two years for a new blog. I like to think of it as writing a new album. There have been new members (in my flat), money problems, break-ups and an incident at Ronnie Wood's art studio in this time. But look I've changed the font!

So let's start at the start and erm start with my flight which this year is brought to you by Air New Zealand. I've changed my allegiance from Virgin Atlantic 1) because Air New Zealand are cheaper and 2) I don't have to sit through Richard Branson's face during the inflight entertainment telling me about his charity work. I'd rather watch that footage of him sliding down a building and ripping his trousers again. 

 The morning of my flight I had to sort out my boiler, which took the guy 10 minutes to fix and I got charged for an hour. Anyway that's nothing to do with LA. I managed to pack again in 20mins which sounds impressive but I've been so many times now I know exactly how to pack for LA. I've gradually lost an item on each trip. So this year I decided not to pack another coat, not to pack my Rod Stewart t shirt, Labyrinth (the Bowie film not the rapper) tshirt, No extra belts and no sexual protection (as it's never going to happen anyway). 

This time as well I remembered that you don't actually have to carry your onboard hand luggage with everything in it TO the airport you can, for instance carry your heavy laptop in the front of your suitcase and then take it out and pop it in your carry on bag just before you check in your luggage. This makes carry your hand luggage bag a lot easier going up and down stairs at interchanges on the tube to the airport. Just a little advice for you there that I picked up after 14 TRIPS back and forth to LA over the last 7 years before realising this!

I get to Heathrow and check in with the interactive kiosk making sure I don't hit the 'do you have any weapons' button by mistake and then go through security. 
Here I set the alarms off. I ask 'is it me' (not that I was in a translucent state where I question everything in the real world). It is me. They take me aside and take out a wierd looking brush like one you would use to clean the dishes. The security guard then brushes it over my hands then pulls out a little stool and asks me to put one foot up on it. I ask him if he's going to give me a shoe shine, he doesn't answer and brushes each foot. This is so they can look for traces of explosives although I'd have to be a pretty clumsy chemist to get it on my hands and shoes.

Heathrow Terminal 2 (not the plane i'm getting on).

One thing different about Air New Zealand to Virgin Atlantic is that there are a row of 3 seats instead of 2 by the windows. I had a window seat. This resulted in my usual dilemma of trying to hold my urine capacity so not to annoy the person next to me when asking if I can get out being doubled. I think I broke my record and only asked once for them to 'get out the way' with about 1 hour 30 mins left on the flight. This also happened by the side of me:

yeah go ahead use my arm rest as a foot rest.

Films I watched on this flight were:
Ant-Man 7/10
Kingsmen: The Secret Service 7.5/10
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation 7/10 (as Tom Cruise had minimal lines)

Burn Baby Burn

As an inhibited Englishman I very rarely display my body. You can read all about my shorts dilema from my Coachella blog from the other year. I don't even wear sunglasses here. 1) As I am not used to wearing them and have no idea what shape looks 'cool' on me and 2) I think I look like a dick in them. I remember someone once came up to me in a club and asked me to be in his band. I wasn't going to be in someone's band who wore sunglasses in a club. It was a safety hazard think what it would have been like on stage with him. He'd be knocking wires out resulting in electrocuting and audience member and a I don't want to go through all that again.

Here in LA though it's hot. And sometimes an Englishman abroad has to say to himself 'When in Rome' even if he isn't in Rome. So in the privacy of my own apartment I drew up the blind opened the window and felt the sun on my half naked body. I thought this might happend once my skin had been exposed to sunlight for the first time in a year.

So there I was lying in the sun getting comfortable on my bed and I just put my hands across my chest and linking fingers and before I knew it I'd gone off into the land of nod.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up an hour and half later to find the sun had moved (would you believe it!) and left me with a nice imprint burn across my body and the other half isn't even burnt!

I am now attempting to fill it in by covering up 2/4 of my torso by various methods in order to fill this gap. As i'm going to look like a complete idiot when I plan to go to the Standard swimming pool next week!

The Return of Street Hawk and other LA Weirdness

Every country has it's crazy people. In my hometown of Worthing I remember there used to be a man who stood on a street corner dressed in a stripped blazer, boater hat and just waved at traffic going 'cooeeeee' and lifting his left leg up behind him and a camp limping of the wrist. He had a couple of names such as 'The Duke' & 'Burlington Bertie'.

Burlington Bertie

There was also the 'Bag Lady' who I think just had bags wrapped around her hands and feet (we used think she had alien hands and feet underneath).

I've seen my fair share of this sort in Los Angeles. On Friday night I traveled along Sunset on the bus and sat next to an old woman who kept telling me about her arm (and showing it to me) and her eye. She then told me she had a gun. I immediately thought 'Brilliant I'm going to be shot by a one eyed woman who can't aim straight - this is how I would have wanted to go'. The best 'character' i've ever seen here was when I was waiting for the underground train (Yes LA does have a subway system). He had long hair wore a black top and skirt. Fair enough nothing too strange about that a man in a skirt you may say. It was more the fact that on his front he had clinging to him round his neck and waist an effigy of HIMSELF looking back at him. a full effigy with it's arms around his neck and it's legs around his waist.
I've also been walking along Hollywood Boulevard with my Itouch on (see Itouch myself post). I got it out to switch from Geneva to Tame Impala when a man walking towards me starts shouting at me along the lines of 'You stinking little dirty CUNT', he repeat this over and over again by carefully using the words in a slightly different order so I don't get bored by his abuse. How he knew I was listening to Geneva I don't know.

This week i sat outside Morning Nights coffee place having a tea when we noticed a small guy walking across the street in a motorcycle helmet and one glovecarrying a $1 store bag. There was no motorbike to be seen and his walk was a little odd. He proceeded to do one lap of the grass triangle (in 23 degree heat) before plopping himself down on a rock. He then drank from his $1 store bag through his helmet.

I like to think this was the guy who played Street Hawk

On my way home I noticed this bohemoth of a dog.

The At-At dog

It seems the new trend is now to go the opposite way to having a small dog to go in your hangbag.

The WEIRDEST thing i've seen in Los Angeles is this!

An auction sign for a plot of land with two posters of the band Styx on it

PS whilst tracking down Burlington Bertie I came across this local character The Shipley dancer.. Enjoy.

Back in the U.S.S.A

Well I keep being urged to write again while I'm over so I'll start at the beginning. With my flight over.

The past 3 times over to LA my plane has not been full allowing me to pick a seat with no one next to me and thus with my height I can fully extend across the seats and then laugh at business class who have paid 3 times as much to do exactly the same thing.
This journey I went online and saw many seats filled but the three in the middle at the back free so I picked the end of the three imagining I'd be able to stretch out again and sleep for the journey. However on getting to check-in I was told that the plane was full now so I'm now stuck at the back on an isle seat so I'll be one of the last off and last in the queue for customs.



On getting to check-in with Virgin I try and hide by on board bag as it's a British Airways vintage flight back. However I have to put if on the scales to be weighed. The check-in woman says she shouldn't really allow me on with 'that' bag. So I tell her that she should upgrade me as I'm defecting from flying with BA and that's how much I like Virgin. This doesn't work.

 

 

 

BA Bag

 So on the seat next to me is a nice looking lady. It then dawns on me to watch something 'intelligent' from the selection of films on my screen. I chose 'Cloud Atlas'. Which, I have to say wasn't as mental as I hoped it would be. But I did enjoy Jim Broadbent in it and Tom Hanks playing and Irish gangster was pretty bizarre. After this I decided to watch the sequel to the best film ever*

I will find you...again and I will kill you....erm...again. Goodbye

Taken 2 with Liam Neeson as you can tell now I'm trying to show the lady next to me that I am a bit manly by watching some violence. I always wanted to see this film at the cinema thinking it can't be bad as it will just be as good as the first Taken? But it really was Taken the piss (ha!).
The first hour of acting was so bad - it was like Liam Neeson was doing his comedy bit from 'Life's Too Short'. And the best character from the first film (the new husband of Neesons divorced wife) is immediately written out as the first meeting of his wife is still upset over something he did and left (can't remember what).
This leaves the door open for a reconciliation. Anyway it was almost like a comedy in the first part as Liam plays a sort of sitcom character in being 'the worlds most possessive dad'. He's even fed the line 'Don't go checking up on her new boyfriend'. Cut to him banging on his front door.

Later on Liam and his wife get 'Taken' and I don't know whether she had something written in her contract that she would only be able to say 10 lines in the film but she is pretty much out cold for about half the film being left in the dungeon then carried around then dumped on a floor again. There were about 3 times when he went back to her body where you just thought she was dead.

His daughter also from not being able to pass her test manages to circumnavigate Istanbul in a presumable right hand drive and not crash. She also runs around Istanbul throwing grenades every 15 minutes and not alert the police or army or anti terrorist unit. She has to throw them where 'nobody is around' but I expected her to throw it see a dead body and then just shout 'Sorry'.

Anyway you'll be glad to know she passes her test at the end of the film. So the moral of the film as far as I can gather is to go to Istanbul have your mum and dad kidnapped. Throw some grenades about and then put yourself under pressure to drive around Istanbul being chased by the police and gangsters in order to definitely pass your test.

One time I traveled to LA I decided to watch the film 'Next' with Nicolas Cage'. This film featured a plane crash and it's aftermath. I was pretty shocked when I saw it (not the film which is bad but the scene). When I arrived home I wrote to the airline company complaining that I was shaken up by this scene and thought it was inappropriate to show this film on a plane. I wasn't actually bothered I was just trying to get some free airmiles as compenstation. Anyway here's the clip and can anyone tell me why Nic Cage just shouts 'Hey' at the first passenger who runs past him who is also burning alive?

The Flight

Well I have embarked on another trip to the city of Angles (right angled streets).
As I try to turn my woes into woos on ths shorter visit than usual I arrive at Virgin with my bag in tow. My bag which has British Airways written all across it. My check in person tells me that I'm not allowed that bag in this area and bang goes my chance of an upgrade.
First I head for a quick snack before bording which is always a sausage sandwich and tea. As I believe that they don't exist in America. One time before a flight at this period I picked up a Christmas Card by the letter box as I left and took it with me. I opened it whilst having a tea at the airport. The stages of buying a card and sending it to me went something like this. 1) It's Christmas let's send Jeremy a card 2) Let's got to the shop and pick a card - oh that one looks nice - lots of glitter - very Christmasy 3) Write in card, put it in post 4) Delivery of a day or three 5) Process in which all the glitter has fallen off the card and stored itself in sticky section of envelope and dried up there 6) Delivery of card to recipient (me) 7) oh that's nice someone has sent me a card 8) Open envelope 9)Watch as an explosion of glitter greets you and covers you completely, all over your jacket and lap 10) Sit open mouthed as your think that you now have to walk through security looking like a fairy.

 

sausages!

As I arrive at security I await my turn to step through the mental detector (thank god i took my pills). I proceed to take off my coat not noticing the old woman behind me has bent over to take off her shoes my elbow has reached the prime position to hit her on the head as she stands back up. I worry next that as I take off my belt i'll whip it off and slash her face before my trousers fall down and she falls into my crutch. As I take off my boots and of course drop 2 inches in height I then realize I have my I love chips socks on. 

 

I get the odd look but thank god I didn't wear my I love bombs socks!

After getting through and laughed at for socks, shortness and trousers falling down I then get asked if they can swipe my bag. I have no idea what they are swiping it for drugs? dynamite? copies of Pippa Middletons book? I wanted to ask but thought better of it. 

I head straight for the gate and arrive at boarding still trying to hide the name on my bag.
I get my seat and then wait anxiously to see if I've booked it right in that there was no-one booked into the seat next to me. Whilst I wait for some movement I start to plan my viewing for the flight.
The guy two seats away is reading out loud every film title in the magazine and asking his mate what they are about so I listen to what 21 Jump street is about and think if that guys watching it then I don't want to.

I first decide to watch this film

 After watching that film I decide I will never watch a film ever again unless it involves General Zod. So I play this for 10 hours straight.

 The guy who was reading out the films has now taken to reading pornography on the plane.

You can actually see his lips doing a 'phwoar look at the knockers on that broad' action.

After still now being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in even with the assistance of two chairs I back down on my rule of never watching a film again and decide I will watch the worst films I can out of them all. I watch Wrath of the Titans, The Amazing Spiderman (which wasn't that bad) and Battleship (the one with Rhianna in and is actually based on the boardgame - although no one in the film shouts out 'YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP' at any point).
When we finally arrive at LAX there is an announcement. A passenger is 'sick' and the paramedics are coming on board to take a look at him. The passenger is about 3 rows behind me so I can hear what is going on. Apparently the passenger will not open his eyes. I first imagine that Arnie has been on board and his daughter has been kidnapped. And the guy in question is the bad guy escort that he has killed by neck breakage before telling the hostess that his friend is Dead Tired before putting a hat on his face. The passenger has actually taken too many pills. That or he watched Jon Carter On Mars as I did and refuses to open his eyes again.

Xbox 360 You're in the Movies (Google Affiliate Ad) 

LA Galaxy Vs New York Red Bulls Soccerball match

Last night I went to watch the game of scooerball bewtween the Los Angeles Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls. East vs West, Beckham vs Henry, Biggie vs Tupac and errm Randy Newman vs Alicia Keyes

Randy Newman - I love LA
New York Alicia Keys

Anyway both top of their leagues and wanting to prove whose the boss (like Tony Danza). This was a widely hyped game with LA Galaxy wanted to avenge an ealier lose. I wore a white t-shirt and wrote the word Donovan on the back (I can now aslo wear this to the Donovan concert I am going to).
So after collecting my ticket from Will Call (nice bloke). I buy my $13 Corona and take my bench seat. First up is the National Anthem.

So what do I do? I'm English. I haven't read the formalities for someone elses anthem. Like what do you do if you meet the Queen and you are a Republican? Do you still bow or curtsey? Do you do it just curtsey out of courtesy?
So I stand with my beer in my hand...Is this rude as well? I don't place my hand over my heart as I've seen on tv. I put my hand in my pocket - but this means it's near my genitalia. Again does this mean that I'm dissing the flag by placing my hand nearer my penis than my heart and am I kind of pissing on the flag? Should I take a sip from my beer or is this equal to being drunk whilst the anthem is played? I don't even know the words - and if I sing along is that treason against my Queen? After a BIG finale by the singer it's over and I shout God Save America by accident.

The players come out and the announcer erm announces their names

David Beckham gets a big cheer - the announcer sounds more like he should be introducing boxers onto the field though.
So after kick off. New York are all over the LA Galaxy half. And within minutes Thierre Henry shows his class and after a lucky rebound takes the ball round the keeper and then nutmegs a defender to score a goal. This immediately deflates the crowd and mass booing ensues.

Thierry Henry goal
Really New Yorks game plan was working to a tee for teh first 20 minutes and LA Galaxy were leaving all sorts of gaps whilst only seeming to use the left side for going forward due to seemingly not having a left winger. After a while LA came back into the game with Beckham occaisionally switching the play with a trademark cross field pass. Then LA broke into a few shots (including and disallowed offsied goal) which they should really have scored from. Finally after 40 minutes a cross from Beckham resulted in Landon Calrissian heading in the Woodward>Equalizer.

 Donovan goal
Then moments later Donovan takes the ball around the keeper at the edge of the box and has the whole of the goal to score in. But then calmly tries to side foot it slowly into the empty goal. This gives the defender plenty of time to run back and clear it off the line. Bad Donovan!
After half time Galaxy seem to have cahnged their formation (without commentary i can't tell how). And play a lot better in the second half. However the finishing leaves a lot to be desired. A Beckham free kick towards the end of the match only achievs a save for the cameras from the NY Bulls keeper.

And the final whistle blows. The crowd also think it blows that LA couldn't muster a win. Henry won over Beckham today with some lovely subtle touches and I swear he did his look one way/pass the other trick.

Here's highlights of the whole game for football people
Highlights

Coachella Ella Ella

Well after weeks and weeks and days that make up weeks. I finally had my last weekend in Los Angeles and rounded it off with the Coachella Festival. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Strokes, Interpol, Suede, Tame Impala, Duran Duran, Chemical Brothers, Elbow, Presets, Black Keys, Marina & The Diamonds, Delta Sun? Best Coast and Kayne West. I’ve been dying to get my own back on Kayne west for a year now since he jumped on stage during Taylor Swifts acceptance speech. My plan was to jump on stage grab the mike off him and say yeah but we all know that Taylor Swift should be headlining Coachella. Then at Glastonbury this yea I’m going to jump onstage during Beyonce’s gig and grab the mike off her and say that ‘Yeah but we all know that Kayne West should be headlining Glastonbury’. And thus start a cycle of events between the three that will culmulate in a three way at next years Wrestlemania.

Anyway the day was to start at 6am when I arrived at the subway station for my friend to get to the Greyhound coach station for 6.30am. Like Charlie and his Cat I waited but no-one turned up. I phoned got through to voicemail and then thought right do I leave this person whose ticket I have and dosen’t know where the coach station is to make their own way? After 15 mins I can see them running up the street. I’ve checked the time of the next train – she has three minutes to get up the road across two crossings, down the escalators and into the train. We make it although before we’ve even reached the sweltering temperatures of Coachella I’m already sweating after our Olympic event of dashing.

We reach the Greyhound station at 6.33am. What a weird place that was at that time. There were two other pairs of people going to Coachella. I deduced this from age, luggage and fashion. A man wearing a baseball jacket trying to make the odd bit of conversation without success to anyone. And a man in his mid-late 20’s wearing a vest top and shorts with a carrier back. Strange for that time in the morning I though. Turns out I was right he was strange as in stranger danger call Walker Texas Ranger. He was sat on the row of seats to our left and was shaking and comforting himself by rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He then started saying ‘You can do this, you can do this’. My friend went to get some water from a nearby shop and in that time he started weeping. The other American guy asked ‘what are you crying about’. He pronounced that he was fine. I could then hear him regurgitate the word ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’. My friend came back just intime to witness him singing. Then out of the blue he turns to our direction with eyes WIDE OPEN as he could and immediately saying in a camp American accent ‘So. Where are you two going’. Almost in a state where if he doesn’t find out the answer a bomb will go off in his stomach. My friend answers Coachella. Luckily a veteran of Coachella now sat next to us butts in the conversation and says he was Big Audio Dynamite last night so without hesitation I talk to him. Always talk to the lesser of potential murderous drifters.
Our coach arrives the ‘Pespi, pepsi, pepsi’ guy leaves to get on it. Now our silence can be broken and my friend and I discuss what just happened. Thank God he is getting on that coach. Oh hang on that’s our coach too! On entering the coach we notice it is full. We start to walk down I spot a seat right at the back. Guess whose sat on the back row with an old woman spluttering out her guts through not being able to smoke for more than 10 minutes. Yes Mr ‘So…Where are you going today’. Abort Abort Abort! Retreat! Use the fire exit! There’s no way back people are behind you now trying to find seats. You have to take it. HA! No I don’t Sir would you kindly move your bag – saved with one row to go. After which the delirious guy gets out of his back seat and walks to the front of the coach and waits for the driver. I guess ‘He couldn’t do it’. I think that Greyhound are much the same as National Express coaches in Britain from what Jon once told about a trip he had up to Manchester on one. I still think that man had accidentally killed someone the night before and was doing a runner.
After changing coaches we get on the ‘proper’ Coachella coach everyone is younger than me, trendier and showing more skin than me (I’m in jeans). Oh look someone has bought their guitar onboard – Great! Can’t wait to hear their rendition of Death From Above 1979. We get some lad or jock shout out ‘COACHELLA BABY WOOOH!’. There was no reaction. Apart from me saying ‘Shut up and sit down’. I’m really in the Coachella spirit. Again I have a seat next to me. About 80% of the coach is young ladies. So the odds on me getting a lanky 6ft spotty guy who bites his nails for the entire journey are about 100-1. If only I could put such a bet on on Sky Bet as I would have been 100 pounds up 5 minutes later. I could not believe he hadn’t bitten down his fingers to a stub by the time we got off the coach. And what did he do with the bits that he did chew off? Did he swallow or spit? Either one makes me gag.
Finally after taking the local sunshite bus we get to the Shadown Mountain Resort. Which on reflection sounds like a holiday camp for evil geniuses. After getting through the Iron gate I spy someone on a golf buggy. I want a go on one of those.
We get to our apartment. Looks fine and leads out to the swimming pool which if this was a resort for evil geniuses would retract across revealing a night night secret lair. The following morning at the resort we go for breakfast by the pool and have two old men playing covers of songs.

They do a version of 'I shot the Sheriff' in which one of them spurts the line after the chorus 'I shot him stone cold dead'. Which made the other one laugh. Although In my head I wished he'd said after the chorus 'I shot that motherfucker in the head, blew his brains everywhere, he ain't getting back up'.

I never checked late at night if a massive laser gun rose up from this pool. But there were a lot of white fluffy cats wearing diamond encrusted collars roaming around the pool area??? Que Thunderbirds music...

I finally unvail my legs by putting on my shorts with my pair of ‘The Who’ conversse trainers/sneakers. Put on my sunglasses (again not since I was 16 have I worn a pair). I felt like Tom Crusie in Topman as my shirt and shorts where from the store. Apply my factor 50 (yes 50 – it actually went up to 100 in the shop). I think anything over 100 works in reverse and makes you whiter. And off I go to Coachella!
After a short walk from the shuttle bus to the entrance I realize that I’ve put my special band on my left hand on not right as instructed in the manual. So I think up excuses incase they point this out to me at the entrance (it was very strict in the manual to go on the right and pointed out if any wristband had to be changed it would cost you $25). So I thought, ‘oh I was in a rush, my friend just gave me the wristband and not the instructions, I’m left handed so it’s easier for me to put it on my left hand (I hadn’t worked out if this would be the case). And finally ‘What fucking difference does it make anyway, look if I put my hand over this here it’s not on my right side more than where my right arm is’. Or finally ‘I thought it meant YOUR right as you look at me not MY right’.
I waltzed in, not literally they only let one person in at a time and it takes two to waltz.
I take pictures of the Ferris Wheel, some balloons, a dome and some stages before watching The Drums, Tame Impala, Black Keys, Kings of Leon and The Chemical Brothers. Before getting the shuttle bus home which plays what sounds like music from a Carry On’ film on the way home. First day done, I put the TV to see on the news the police are looking out for a man wearing a vest and shorts with a carrier bag who is wanted for murder after supplying an overdose to his gay lover. Joking.

The second day I again put on my sunglasses and shots. I'm not feeling a lot more comfortable wearing them. Although looking back on my photos I'm now think I possibly looked totally gay. I believe instead of conveying the Cool Britania look or guitarist of one of the bands taking a stroll around after playing I looked much more like I should have been in the music video for a Wham! video.

As mentioned in previous blogs again I had some trouble seeing sometimes. I've come up with a solution though and from now on I will be taking this to all festivals and gigs.

However one glimmer of hope was one guy standing on something made him really tall and blocking everyones view behind him. After a lot of berating he still did not get down off what ever he was standing on. The crowd then started to throw bottles at him. He backed down - well done everyone I immediately felt a sense of commaradary with my fellow festivalers. Also when other people tried to barge their way through to the front for certain songs and just pushed people over I witnesses on girl PUSH BACK to a point where the guy and his mates were totally flumuxed on how to get by her and her mate. One of them pushed him so hard back I swear he was close to reacting by hitting her. Good on her though I would have just tutted to the person next to me if they'd done it past me.

I also witnessed two people lying in the middle of the fetival grinding on top of each other then the guy just getting out her tits and rubbing them in his face.

Suede were excellent playing all their hits and Brett Anderson going at such a pace and intensity I thought he was going to tear his shirt off and turn green or 'suede' (HA!) before punching anyone in the face. He didn't even stop to say anything about being 'back on these shores for the first time in years etc'. Just went from song to song. It was like hardcor porn. No foreplay just bang bang bang and BANG i'm done see ya! I thought my friend behind me was going to cum though judging by her reaction to seeing them play.

suede brett anderson

I also invented a new game a Coachella which you can play at all festivals. It trying to work out which toilet cubicle has been used the least in the layout of the toilet area. I thought it would be one at the entrance of the area as people would naturally just take a couple of steps into the area first before assessing where to go. Or perhaps it's the first one you see you should go to as people would be put off that one thinking most people would go to that one. Still had to hold my breathe going into each one.

Here's my obligatory 'peace sign' I never know what to do in photos. Although peace broke out immediatley after I made the sign. As you can see I lost both fingers after a freak sunbeam shot down and severed both peace fingers. So I stuck the other two on the other hand back at the sun and say 'F you sun'.

Trojan Wedding Shower Commercial

OK so I've just watched this commercial on tv.
There are a couple of things that bother me about this ad.
One what is a 'Triphoria'? Does this mean it has three speeds? functions?
What the hell does 'Blow your hair back mean'? I know the phrase 'Blow your socks off' but I guess if the women each put their feet up on the table to show they no longer have socks then it wouldn't have the same impact (as well as forming the question how do the socks come off without the shoes as well).
OK so next she asks 'Who got me this' to which three women all show they have had their hair 'blown back'.
Now this means two things. One they have opened the box and used it on themselves, put it back in the box and then given it to her. And Two-they have only all just used it as you wouldn't turn up to a Bridal shower with your hair looking like that. So I guess they all sneaked into the ladies room as soon as they got to the bridal shower.
Ah ok 5 speeds 3 pulse settings well at least that is cleared up.

Now you have two 'real' women speak of how they find the Triphoria. 'It's like three massagers in one' and 'I love it, I absolutely love it'. Whereas they should be saying 'I use it straight after i've made love to my husband when he's done and fallen asleep AGAIN'. Or 'I fuck myself all the time with this thing it makes me cum so hard i black out for three days solid'.
So the bride takes it home andher husband is so over the moon that she has THREE he slams the kitchen table and shouts 'SWEET'. Now this means he can't pleasure her himself, she wants all three in her at the same time. Or he wants to use the third one on himself. Although I would have liked it if he pulled out his own 'massager' and said 'So I can use this on me so we don't have to touch each other anymore you repulsive cow'.

Battle LA

Well I just went to the movies to see new sci-fi action flick Battle:LA.
Basically aliens invade all the important cities in the world by the sea. So I'm still waiting to see Battle:Worthing (where I come from).

As soon as the opening scenes rolled it became very familiar with the marine troop consisting of an inexperienced teen who seems to have never drunk before and is a virgin. A guy who is about to get married and who has a best friend also in the core who likes flowers and is probably under the don't ask, don't tell, don't get an erection policy. Another guy who is happily married. A guy who has post traumatic stress syndrome from Afghanistan and one whose a bit of a redneck. If I ever join the marines I wonder which one i'd be by then? However the main guy is just about to retire and has a past where some of his troop died in a previous mission etc he joins the troop under the married guy who has just been made a leuitenant. OH and one member of the troops brother died under the guy who was just about to retire. So from the opening five minutes I was able to decide who was going to die, who was going to go nuts, who was going to be the hero and they would all turn up at the guys wedding at the end (although there was no wedding scene at the end).

The other point was I can't believe that Aliens posses the technology to fly across the Universe whereas we the best we have is the Virgin Galactic vehicle and yet still arrive totally ill prepared for bullets. Even we manage bullet proof vests. Oh and they find out how to kill them by capturing one and just stabbing away at him till one stabbing kills him/her and then send out the message 'shoot to the right of where the heart should be'. In this case i'd ask 'am i facing them - or is it their right of the heart'?????? They do look pretty cool coming out of the sea though in the same way the sea devils do in Jon Pertwees Dr Who series.

Also how on earth (no pun intended) do these aliens have such bad targeting equipment. Surely with advance technology than can must up something that improves their shots better than me playing Duck Hunt on my Nintendo. At times though the film did remind me of something you'd see on an X-Box. Although there isn't that much of the alien invaders featured which was disappointing.
The main focus was on the troops. With the prediction that newly assigned rookie Lieutenant loses it in battle then sacrifices himself to leave marine with a past to take over. He gives a big speech when questioned about the troops he got killed in which he quotes all their numbers to the brother of one of the victims. In my mind I thought it would be funny if the only number he couldn't remember was that of the guys brother. They pick up some civilians on the way - one of whom is a pretty lady who asks him if he has any children - he doesn't and neither does she. Of course that's the first question you ask someone during an alien attack. I got asked this once on a plane by the passenger next to me (we weren't in the middle of an alien invasion when he asked). I answered yes so I could be spared feeling inadequate. As he would respond with tellingl me how wonderful his kids where-as I have no concept of what he was talking about. It's like asking 'do you smoke' and then telling me how wonderful it is.
Anyway so obviously he's found a wife now for when he survives. There are also some kids they rescue who also survive over most of the troops. He also becomes a father figure to one of them after his dad dies. So he's now managed to pick up a wife and a child. I bet that wasn't on his e-harmony profile.
And yet again earthlings overcome by just finding the main command centre and using words like 'Let's show these bastards', 'Outstanding' and 'We're taking back LA' to blow it up. It's always that easy. If it were set in the UK we'd use words like 'Let's show these ruffians' 'Good Show' and 'Fuck Worthing it's shit anyway'. I bet the next lot who invade will have gine through the check list. 'Ok guys, we're imune from all germs on Earth, we have Norton Security in our systems to stop any viruses, and we're not going to use radio controlled drones as once they cut off the signal they will fall from the sky. Ok what kind of ammo do they use again, ah that's the least of our worries'.

There wasn't even an Independence Day moment where they blew up the Hollywood sign or Lindsey Lohan in it! It's mostly a war movie with a constant number of shoot-outs in the wreckage of LA against inferior Terminator machines.

Please if any aliens are reading this please come properly equipped if you are going to invade or don't bother at all as there's a lot of cleaning up to do afterwards when you fail.

Hang the DJ

So I get a call from my good friend Dia on Tuesday midday asking if I'd like to DJ at the Satelitte for they have a Smiths tribute band on called 'The Smiths Indeed'. This is the perfect evening for me to DJ as I am a 'tribute' DJ in that I'm not as good as the real thing.
I have my itunes on my laptop and therefore need to burn some tracks onto some blank CD's. I but the cheapest pack of five CD's I can find. All loose in a pack for $2.99. I get home and start selecting my playlist. I try to put in a bit of everything (you never know exactly the crowd that will turn up - oh hang on I do - it's Smiths fans). I put some Manchester crica 1985-1991 in there as well as some British Pop or Britpop if you will.
I am also not allowed to play any Smiths/Morrissey that evening by order of the band.
I put in 129 tracks. Put in the first of my blank CD's (the blue one) and realize that it will hold 20 tracks. Hmmmm 129 divided by 5 equals time to go back to the shop and buy some more blank CD's.
I arrive home again with some more coloured CD's this time with cases with them. Now I more blank CDs but doubled up on the same colours.
After burning all my CD's I place them in a case each and write down all the tracks on a piece of notepaper which I slip into the inner case. I mark at the top of the notepaper (black CD, Green CD, Red CD, Pink CD, Orange CD etc oh and Black 2 CD).
I place them in my bag and venture to the bus stop.
After arriving I walk behind the sound system where I think I am DJing. I'm then shown that the CD decks are on the main bar floor area. As I walk behind them I realize that I'm too short to actually see the counter display moniters on the decks (this is essential if I am to start Ride at the exact right moment later). So Sylvia fetches me a crate to stand on. I was blind now I can see. Although it did feel like being a 3 year old just putting CDs into the slots just to see them disappear for a while.
So I play some easy listening type tracks to usher the people in. I then move onto some more contemporary stuff - it's all fine. My colour system and labeling is all fine. I play for an hour and a half before the first band play.
I then decide to put all my CD's back behind the sound system because obviously someone will want to steal them after hearing all the great tunes i'd just played.
Then about half an hour later the band end without saying thankyou to the audience or you can buy our CD from the lady at the back thus not giving me any warning that I'm meant to play a record when they walk off stage.
I run behind the sound system - grab my CDs' in one hand and then drop them. they all open and CD's go rolling around. I scoop them up and just put in the first CD I now open.
The Rolling Stones Gimmie Shelter plays. I get a good nod from a man in the audience. Now the next problem is there is no vocals on the record. I ask the sound guy if he's left a knob down? He says everything is fine. I switch to deck two. The Clash. Same again. I am now getting looks from the audience. I fiddle with a wire at the back and the vocals come back. However i am getting small electric shocks whilst holding them and have to keep them held in while the sound guy finds another wire.

I pick up another CD and cue it - I press play and it's not the right CD. It's Pink in the Orange Case (as my label says Orange at the top). Argh with one hand holding the wires in place I flip open the other CD's. New problem it's dark, Pink, red, orange all look the same in the dark.  I put in another CD, Stevie Wonder! Not what I want to play. I find what I do want to play - track nine - James. Guess what comes out - The Smiths !!! Something that i've been banned from playing (Black 2 cd is in Black 1 case). The crowd cheer - and within 5 seconds I've pushed it on 2 tracks. Ha that was just a teaser of what you might hear later!
Finally the wire is changed and I have two hands (the way God inteded) to re-arrange my CD's).
I finish the night on a high with Suede and Pulp and numerous requests for more Suede and Pulp.
So please come to my new night Suede and Pulp night (i have the best of suede in one deck and the best of Pulp in the other i will alternate between the two all night).

My Tarrantino night

Well I well and truely arrived in Hollywood last night. From a simple last minute decision to visit the New Beverley Cinema (Tarrantinos cinema) and watch two films starring Rod Taylor (no I hadn't heard of him either) turned my night into a quite surreal one.
Firstly the two films I saw were 'The Dark of the Sun'  about a gang of Mercenaries who were paid to recover some diamonds from a town in the Congo before it got looted by the local savage tribe.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062863/
and 'Hell River' which is also known as 'Partizan' & 'Tactical Guerilla' which was about the struggle of Yugoslavs against the evil Nazi Adam West and a great German actor called Peter Carsten who seems to have been flavour of the month in playing Nazis as he was also in the first film playing a child killing, chain-saw weiding, raft building Nazi. Quite an all rounder. Anyway I'm never quite sure how Adam West got any acting work at all  it was like watching Hugh Grant pay Pinochio. His best moment though was firing a maching gun whilst on skis in a white jumpsuit with a maniacal laugh greeting his enemy before being easily shot for the fact of skiing with both hands whilst his gun was still around his neck towards his enemy.

So I went off to a bar afterwards in which there was a man dressed as a manatee at the bar. I found out he was a manatee when I asked whether he was a walrus or a seal. It's probably the equivalent of someone asking me if I'm Australian or a New Zealander in the US.
Just as last orders are called my friend Tinita shows up and her friend works at the bar two doors down. She tells me he has sent her a text that Quentin Tarrantino is at his bar. I tell her to 'drink up - we're going'. Which fair play to her she didn't complain that she had a whole bottle to finish.
Now when I came over to LA I bought the cheapest phone I could to work over here. It has everything on it at about a tenth of the strength. My camera on this phone. 0.3 MP which takes a picture worse than I could probably sit there and draw it. I ask Tinita what camera she has with her. Hers it worse than mine in that she doesn't have one. Argh! However I'm then told not to have my photo done with him as it's kind of the thing you DON'T do in Hollywood.
So we go to the bar and we see Tarrantino is sat right at a bar as we walk in. We walk straight past. I then spend the last half hour of the evening spying on him through little windows in the wall seperating the bar and the booth area. Much like Rod Taylor did in the film I watched earlier shooting at Nazis.
We are finally asked to leave the bar at closing, I speak to a party of three others who were at the other bar earlier (one of whom I find out is a porn star). She tries her luck in going straight to Tarrantinos booth and asking for a cigarette. No Reservoir Dogs type scenario unfolds where he pulls out a gun and she pulls out a gun only for his gun to be a lighter.
So we wait outside on the 'sidewalk'. Then he finally comes out walks straight towards me. 'Hey you've got just the right indie boy, floppy hair, short ass gimp I'm looking for for my next film' he spurts out at me. Actually he didn't he walk past and off into the Sunset Boulevard. But wait! He stops at the Valet. It's now or never!
By now he's getting the odd 'Hey Quentin' remark off stranglers. I walk over 'Hey Quentin' i say (good start I thought). 'I've just been to see your Rod Taylor double bill at the Beverely cinema'. 'Oh hey what did you think?' He says whilst trying to look for the valet with his car'. 'Yeah they were excellent'. 'Oh cool' he replies (i still think he didn't even look at me). Before he trundles off and attempts to get into a car that isn't his.
One of my party comes over and shakes my hand claiming 'well done you spoke to him' five seconds later I reply. 'Did I just shake Tarrantnios hand...or was it yours'? I had no idea. If I can speak to Tarrentino then now for the next stage.... speaking to girls.
Oh and the other thing was I didn't think both films were excellent. The first one was good and the second was very long and boring. So I did actually lie to him (apologies Tarrantino _ I would have given you a whole critic but you had to find your car). I think the last time I lied to a celebrity was at the Christmas lights being turned on in Luton when Blue Peter presenter Katy Hill came to turn them on. She asked if we watched Blue Peter when we had our photo done with her. 'Yeah' I replied 'It's my favourite programme' I HATE BLUE PETER!
Join me next time as Adam West would say (well the voiceover man) Same Bat Time same Bat channel

Winding Up Bruce Lee

Today I found a great shop full of interesting items to do with pop culture.
There was a glass counter with loads of wind up tin toys including Rocket boy, a storm trooper and a darth vader. But there was also a wind up tin Bruce Lee! I walked over to the nice young lady behind the counter and asked her how much it was. So after she finished labeling things she reached into the glass counter and got the price from Mr Lees Kung Fu feet. $200 she said. Now immediately in the real world i should have said - that's way too much for me Good-day madam. Instead I then asked more questions about the toy to seem like i was a david dickinson type collector. Where was it made, When was it made, Who made it, How many of these are there. Confusing the assistant as she didn't know the answer to any of these she then went to fetch the manager who again thought I was interested in buyin it. He then got a ladder to fetch the box and I had a conversation with him about it. We couldn't find out when it was made. But I took down the manufacturer and said I was going to look it up on the internet - he then offered to do it himself there and then. I pointed out that I only live round the corner so it would be no trouble and that I would be back.
I left Bruce Lee to be placed back behind his glass cell. And hoping that one day his price would be reduced and that some idiot wouldn't get his hopes up to such an extent again. $200!!!!!