An Eye for an Eye Halloween

So this year I was finally in Los Angeles for Halloween. 

From what I have seen over the years Americans go crazy for Halloween and I don't mean they all go around sacrificing goats to our Lord Satan whilst smearing themselves in blood and have a ritualistic orgy. Well if they do then why haven't I been invited to these parties? 

No they go trick or treating, dress up in costumes and decorate their front yards to resemble the home of The Munsters. 

On Halloween night my friends and I were sitting out int the front yard with an obscene amount of candy to give out. It got to a point where I told 'treaters' to take a handful instead of just one piece at a time just to get rid of them. 

I was probably responsible for the whole neighborhood developing diabetes over night.

Here is what greeted kids on venturing to our house.

One thing that did occur to me during the trick or treat session was that it looked very strange on occasion when the ladies had gone back in and myself and Dave were just two men trying to entice children to come close to our house with candy.

As you can see I went all out with my Halloween outfit. My idea was I was a Mod who had taken a short cut through an archery range. 

A simple use of two sawn down arrows, a Primark pair of fake glasses a Paul Smith mod target tshirt  (which is now ruined by the hole in the target), a prosthetic eye piece, make up, stick gum glue and three pieces of cardboard strapped tightly around my chest with a belt (couldn't breathe).

So off I went to a Halloween party at the Grandstar Jazz Club in Chinatown for a Morrissey/Smiths themed night. Pretty much everyone there was in costume. To a point where it suddenly became very normal to say 'Oh look cyclops is here' and then later 'Jean Grey is here as well' like the X-Men were having a night off. Mulder and Scully turned up (whether they were investigating a case there or not). Mad Max was attached, literally to Furiosa by a blood transfusion line. Pee Wee Herman showed up, a fat Robert SmithMacho Man Randy Savage was on the dancefloor with a mini Hulk Hogan and was busting out some moves that incorporated showing off his guns, doing a flying elbow and the international symbol for 'I want that belt around my waist'. Anyway Macho Man won the costume contest.

Later on I realised that my costume was a hindrance on myself be able to enjoy the night fully. 

1) I couldn't see out of the eye with the arrow in. Therefore I had to turn my head a lot to look at things. Stairs were also a problem. 

2) I couldn't go on the dancefloor at all incase someone backed into me and the arrows I had going into my chest and into my eye could potentially end up IN my chest and IN my eye. The type of headline you'd read in The Sun:

After actually having someone mimicing themselves using their hand and throwing their palm towards my eye arrow I decided to take them out.

What was amusing was seeing Mario and Luigi sat at the bar together getting drunk. Mulder and Scully from the X-files having a dance and not dancing well (as you kind of would imagine they wouldn't dance well in real life). Then seeing Jon Snow on his own looking very glum on the side of the dancefloor. Maybe because he was not allowed to speak to any women due to being in the Nights Watch.

Going Underground in LA

After my obligatory night in on arriving - this is what I arrived to in my hosts fridge

It's like they knew I was coming

However this was not for my benefit, they were leftovers from a party the week before.

I have my first day ahead of me in LA which is spent 1) Walking along a highroad for about 2 miles to get a US sim card for my phone and 2) Walking another 2 miles to get some stick gum glue for a future Halloween costume (more on that in my next blog). 
The first contact I have with a stranger is when some old guy in the phone store can't believe I'm wearing black skinny jeans in this weather (it was prob around 30 degrees). I explain that 'I'm English' and that seems to do the trick (or he can't understand my accent). 

After getting my sim card I venture to 'Party City' which is a chain of megastores for all your essential party gear: balloons, costumes, painkillers. I was a little disappointed that it wasn't a real city where people just partied 24/7 resulting in anarchy and a breakdown of society. 

I then went to Ihop whose fries I adore. They also recommend this...

Which makes me wonder...Does it make bacon better with bacon? 

Friday night is Club Underground night a mix of Britpop, Indie, New Wave, Post-punk and Synth. I've been going to Club Underground since I first came to LA in 2008.

Me at Club Underground 2009 (at bar green t shirt - alone)

t's a spin off from the legendary Cafe Bleu which ran from 1996-2000. If you were in London between those years the equivalent would have been indie night Popscene that used to run at the LA2. Here's a nice little article by the LA Times A scene of their own from 1997 on the club including an interview with founder and acquaintance Piper Ferguson who is now an established music photographer and video director. You can catch her amazing work here. I actually worked with Piper on her first short film director debut which you can watch here (I'm in the nightclub scene - I look like an idiot dancing). I also just been informed from original Cafe Bleu DJ Dia that contrary to the article above 'Courtney Love did not DJ at Cafe Bleu' but 'she was making out with a girl from Kenickie while I was spinning and it was totally annoying'. I think that pretty much gives an indication of the status of Cafe Bleu.

Club Underground has been well established and thee indie night to go to in LA. As a Brit I'm constantly surprised at the record dropped at this club (who would thin Pure by the Lightening Seeds would be know in the US). But DJ's Larry and Diane always put on a great night. Plus if you get there early you can get absolutely wasted on the cranberry and vodkas happy hour (no real measurements here).

As Halloween was coming up there were a few people in fancy dress including these two Britpoppers.

Coffee and TV Blur Milk Cartons 

Next up Halloween!

Phoenix in flight

Hello campers!

Well Blur are back Britpop is back TFI Friday is back so I thought I'd cash in with resurrecting my Los Angeles blog (even though I hadn't actually been to Los Angeles in the 90s).

Sorry if you've been waiting these two years for a new blog. I like to think of it as writing a new album. There have been new members (in my flat), money problems, break-ups and an incident at Ronnie Wood's art studio in this time. But look I've changed the font!

So let's start at the start and erm start with my flight which this year is brought to you by Air New Zealand. I've changed my allegiance from Virgin Atlantic 1) because Air New Zealand are cheaper and 2) I don't have to sit through Richard Branson's face during the inflight entertainment telling me about his charity work. I'd rather watch that footage of him sliding down a building and ripping his trousers again. 

 The morning of my flight I had to sort out my boiler, which took the guy 10 minutes to fix and I got charged for an hour. Anyway that's nothing to do with LA. I managed to pack again in 20mins which sounds impressive but I've been so many times now I know exactly how to pack for LA. I've gradually lost an item on each trip. So this year I decided not to pack another coat, not to pack my Rod Stewart t shirt, Labyrinth (the Bowie film not the rapper) tshirt, No extra belts and no sexual protection (as it's never going to happen anyway). 

This time as well I remembered that you don't actually have to carry your onboard hand luggage with everything in it TO the airport you can, for instance carry your heavy laptop in the front of your suitcase and then take it out and pop it in your carry on bag just before you check in your luggage. This makes carry your hand luggage bag a lot easier going up and down stairs at interchanges on the tube to the airport. Just a little advice for you there that I picked up after 14 TRIPS back and forth to LA over the last 7 years before realising this!

I get to Heathrow and check in with the interactive kiosk making sure I don't hit the 'do you have any weapons' button by mistake and then go through security. 
Here I set the alarms off. I ask 'is it me' (not that I was in a translucent state where I question everything in the real world). It is me. They take me aside and take out a wierd looking brush like one you would use to clean the dishes. The security guard then brushes it over my hands then pulls out a little stool and asks me to put one foot up on it. I ask him if he's going to give me a shoe shine, he doesn't answer and brushes each foot. This is so they can look for traces of explosives although I'd have to be a pretty clumsy chemist to get it on my hands and shoes.

Heathrow Terminal 2 (not the plane i'm getting on).

One thing different about Air New Zealand to Virgin Atlantic is that there are a row of 3 seats instead of 2 by the windows. I had a window seat. This resulted in my usual dilemma of trying to hold my urine capacity so not to annoy the person next to me when asking if I can get out being doubled. I think I broke my record and only asked once for them to 'get out the way' with about 1 hour 30 mins left on the flight. This also happened by the side of me:

yeah go ahead use my arm rest as a foot rest.

Films I watched on this flight were:
Ant-Man 7/10
Kingsmen: The Secret Service 7.5/10
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation 7/10 (as Tom Cruise had minimal lines)

Burn Baby Burn

As an inhibited Englishman I very rarely display my body. You can read all about my shorts dilema from my Coachella blog from the other year. I don't even wear sunglasses here. 1) As I am not used to wearing them and have no idea what shape looks 'cool' on me and 2) I think I look like a dick in them. I remember someone once came up to me in a club and asked me to be in his band. I wasn't going to be in someone's band who wore sunglasses in a club. It was a safety hazard think what it would have been like on stage with him. He'd be knocking wires out resulting in electrocuting and audience member and a I don't want to go through all that again.

Here in LA though it's hot. And sometimes an Englishman abroad has to say to himself 'When in Rome' even if he isn't in Rome. So in the privacy of my own apartment I drew up the blind opened the window and felt the sun on my half naked body. I thought this might happend once my skin had been exposed to sunlight for the first time in a year.

So there I was lying in the sun getting comfortable on my bed and I just put my hands across my chest and linking fingers and before I knew it I'd gone off into the land of nod.
Imagine my surprise when I woke up an hour and half later to find the sun had moved (would you believe it!) and left me with a nice imprint burn across my body and the other half isn't even burnt!

I am now attempting to fill it in by covering up 2/4 of my torso by various methods in order to fill this gap. As i'm going to look like a complete idiot when I plan to go to the Standard swimming pool next week!

Dancing in the Street

Los Angeles is full of people trying to promote themselves as the next Jonny Depp, Angelina Jolie or Brian Blessed. If you are advertising your busniess though what better way than doing live Karaoke in the middle of the street!

 This was for the new store opened on Sunset and Hillhurst 'The Vintage Vortex' which currently has for sale a great Hugh Hefner Playboy pinball machine.

Talking of Actors and Actresses was having a drink with some friends and in walks Kirsten Dunst. I would not have known who this diminutive lady was if it wasn't for the immediate whispers and hand covering mouth gestures. What should be my move here? Should I go over pretend that I don't know who she is and say 'hello can I buy you a drink'? Should I accidentally bump into her  and introduce myself that way. OR shall I go over and say one of these three lines.

1) Hello I look extremely good in a Spiderman outift (I did when I was 5 in my Spiderman PJ's)
2) Fancy being caught in my web
3) Just sing the old theme tune to Spiderman to her (spider man, spider man does whatever a spider can).

Of course I did none of the above and just watched her escape my advances. My spidey sense told me it wasn't a good idea after all. 

Last week I was suffering from Saturday Night Fever so I saw this guy

The Return of Street Hawk and other LA Weirdness

Every country has it's crazy people. In my hometown of Worthing I remember there used to be a man who stood on a street corner dressed in a stripped blazer, boater hat and just waved at traffic going 'cooeeeee' and lifting his left leg up behind him and a camp limping of the wrist. He had a couple of names such as 'The Duke' & 'Burlington Bertie'.

Burlington Bertie

There was also the 'Bag Lady' who I think just had bags wrapped around her hands and feet (we used think she had alien hands and feet underneath).

I've seen my fair share of this sort in Los Angeles. On Friday night I traveled along Sunset on the bus and sat next to an old woman who kept telling me about her arm (and showing it to me) and her eye. She then told me she had a gun. I immediately thought 'Brilliant I'm going to be shot by a one eyed woman who can't aim straight - this is how I would have wanted to go'. The best 'character' i've ever seen here was when I was waiting for the underground train (Yes LA does have a subway system). He had long hair wore a black top and skirt. Fair enough nothing too strange about that a man in a skirt you may say. It was more the fact that on his front he had clinging to him round his neck and waist an effigy of HIMSELF looking back at him. a full effigy with it's arms around his neck and it's legs around his waist.
I've also been walking along Hollywood Boulevard with my Itouch on (see Itouch myself post). I got it out to switch from Geneva to Tame Impala when a man walking towards me starts shouting at me along the lines of 'You stinking little dirty CUNT', he repeat this over and over again by carefully using the words in a slightly different order so I don't get bored by his abuse. How he knew I was listening to Geneva I don't know.

This week i sat outside Morning Nights coffee place having a tea when we noticed a small guy walking across the street in a motorcycle helmet and one glovecarrying a $1 store bag. There was no motorbike to be seen and his walk was a little odd. He proceeded to do one lap of the grass triangle (in 23 degree heat) before plopping himself down on a rock. He then drank from his $1 store bag through his helmet.

I like to think this was the guy who played Street Hawk

On my way home I noticed this bohemoth of a dog.

The At-At dog

It seems the new trend is now to go the opposite way to having a small dog to go in your hangbag.

The WEIRDEST thing i've seen in Los Angeles is this!

An auction sign for a plot of land with two posters of the band Styx on it

PS whilst tracking down Burlington Bertie I came across this local character The Shipley dancer.. Enjoy.

The Next Day / Hip to be Square

So for my first day out in Los Angeles I decide to take a walk along Sunset Boulevard and into Silverlake area. This is the 'hipster' type area along with Echo Park. I hate using that term hipster and how on earth has it travelled across the ocean and into the Enlgish language? What were hipsters before they were called this? I'm sure it's the same with Chavs that they were called something else in before being called chavs (was it hoodies?). Anyway being a hipster seems to consist of having a beard and a cheque shirt and tattoos. So I have some stubble and cheque shirt and I did some drawings on my arm of a the film Legend with Tom Cruise just to fit in before I left. I've also been called 'Bro' twice since I've been here and one fist pump. I shuddered after each incident. 

I found two lovely mid century furniture shops The Living Room and Danish Modern.
The Living Room had a lovely picture of Mark Spitz which you can just see in my pic. And a very large picture of the Beatles.

 Danish Modern had such a vast amount of lovely stuff I nearly just wanted to move into the shop and call it my home.

After this I started my walk back to Los Feliz when I noticed two guys holding aloft a large square canvas with some pattern on it. The guy infront of them was filming as they were walking down Sunset. In my head I immediately thought 'oh it's that David Bowie The Next Day  square symbol'. This design had been put infront of objects by fans etc and posted up on the internet. So there was me thinking 'oh I'm going to be in some David Bowie video that will be immortalised forever like Courtney Cox in Bruce Springsteens Dancing in the Dark. As they got closer to my path of glory, I looked up at the square canvas and then realised it wasn't the Bowie design but it was the Prop 8 symbol for getting gay marriage through Congress. I think my appearance will now help push it through.

A white square

Prop 8 square