Coachella Ella Ella

Well after weeks and weeks and days that make up weeks. I finally had my last weekend in Los Angeles and rounded it off with the Coachella Festival. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Strokes, Interpol, Suede, Tame Impala, Duran Duran, Chemical Brothers, Elbow, Presets, Black Keys, Marina & The Diamonds, Delta Sun? Best Coast and Kayne West. I’ve been dying to get my own back on Kayne west for a year now since he jumped on stage during Taylor Swifts acceptance speech. My plan was to jump on stage grab the mike off him and say yeah but we all know that Taylor Swift should be headlining Coachella. Then at Glastonbury this yea I’m going to jump onstage during Beyonce’s gig and grab the mike off her and say that ‘Yeah but we all know that Kayne West should be headlining Glastonbury’. And thus start a cycle of events between the three that will culmulate in a three way at next years Wrestlemania.

Anyway the day was to start at 6am when I arrived at the subway station for my friend to get to the Greyhound coach station for 6.30am. Like Charlie and his Cat I waited but no-one turned up. I phoned got through to voicemail and then thought right do I leave this person whose ticket I have and dosen’t know where the coach station is to make their own way? After 15 mins I can see them running up the street. I’ve checked the time of the next train – she has three minutes to get up the road across two crossings, down the escalators and into the train. We make it although before we’ve even reached the sweltering temperatures of Coachella I’m already sweating after our Olympic event of dashing.

We reach the Greyhound station at 6.33am. What a weird place that was at that time. There were two other pairs of people going to Coachella. I deduced this from age, luggage and fashion. A man wearing a baseball jacket trying to make the odd bit of conversation without success to anyone. And a man in his mid-late 20’s wearing a vest top and shorts with a carrier back. Strange for that time in the morning I though. Turns out I was right he was strange as in stranger danger call Walker Texas Ranger. He was sat on the row of seats to our left and was shaking and comforting himself by rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He then started saying ‘You can do this, you can do this’. My friend went to get some water from a nearby shop and in that time he started weeping. The other American guy asked ‘what are you crying about’. He pronounced that he was fine. I could then hear him regurgitate the word ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’. My friend came back just intime to witness him singing. Then out of the blue he turns to our direction with eyes WIDE OPEN as he could and immediately saying in a camp American accent ‘So. Where are you two going’. Almost in a state where if he doesn’t find out the answer a bomb will go off in his stomach. My friend answers Coachella. Luckily a veteran of Coachella now sat next to us butts in the conversation and says he was Big Audio Dynamite last night so without hesitation I talk to him. Always talk to the lesser of potential murderous drifters.
Our coach arrives the ‘Pespi, pepsi, pepsi’ guy leaves to get on it. Now our silence can be broken and my friend and I discuss what just happened. Thank God he is getting on that coach. Oh hang on that’s our coach too! On entering the coach we notice it is full. We start to walk down I spot a seat right at the back. Guess whose sat on the back row with an old woman spluttering out her guts through not being able to smoke for more than 10 minutes. Yes Mr ‘So…Where are you going today’. Abort Abort Abort! Retreat! Use the fire exit! There’s no way back people are behind you now trying to find seats. You have to take it. HA! No I don’t Sir would you kindly move your bag – saved with one row to go. After which the delirious guy gets out of his back seat and walks to the front of the coach and waits for the driver. I guess ‘He couldn’t do it’. I think that Greyhound are much the same as National Express coaches in Britain from what Jon once told about a trip he had up to Manchester on one. I still think that man had accidentally killed someone the night before and was doing a runner.
After changing coaches we get on the ‘proper’ Coachella coach everyone is younger than me, trendier and showing more skin than me (I’m in jeans). Oh look someone has bought their guitar onboard – Great! Can’t wait to hear their rendition of Death From Above 1979. We get some lad or jock shout out ‘COACHELLA BABY WOOOH!’. There was no reaction. Apart from me saying ‘Shut up and sit down’. I’m really in the Coachella spirit. Again I have a seat next to me. About 80% of the coach is young ladies. So the odds on me getting a lanky 6ft spotty guy who bites his nails for the entire journey are about 100-1. If only I could put such a bet on on Sky Bet as I would have been 100 pounds up 5 minutes later. I could not believe he hadn’t bitten down his fingers to a stub by the time we got off the coach. And what did he do with the bits that he did chew off? Did he swallow or spit? Either one makes me gag.
Finally after taking the local sunshite bus we get to the Shadown Mountain Resort. Which on reflection sounds like a holiday camp for evil geniuses. After getting through the Iron gate I spy someone on a golf buggy. I want a go on one of those.
We get to our apartment. Looks fine and leads out to the swimming pool which if this was a resort for evil geniuses would retract across revealing a night night secret lair. The following morning at the resort we go for breakfast by the pool and have two old men playing covers of songs.

They do a version of 'I shot the Sheriff' in which one of them spurts the line after the chorus 'I shot him stone cold dead'. Which made the other one laugh. Although In my head I wished he'd said after the chorus 'I shot that motherfucker in the head, blew his brains everywhere, he ain't getting back up'.

I never checked late at night if a massive laser gun rose up from this pool. But there were a lot of white fluffy cats wearing diamond encrusted collars roaming around the pool area??? Que Thunderbirds music...

I finally unvail my legs by putting on my shorts with my pair of ‘The Who’ conversse trainers/sneakers. Put on my sunglasses (again not since I was 16 have I worn a pair). I felt like Tom Crusie in Topman as my shirt and shorts where from the store. Apply my factor 50 (yes 50 – it actually went up to 100 in the shop). I think anything over 100 works in reverse and makes you whiter. And off I go to Coachella!
After a short walk from the shuttle bus to the entrance I realize that I’ve put my special band on my left hand on not right as instructed in the manual. So I think up excuses incase they point this out to me at the entrance (it was very strict in the manual to go on the right and pointed out if any wristband had to be changed it would cost you $25). So I thought, ‘oh I was in a rush, my friend just gave me the wristband and not the instructions, I’m left handed so it’s easier for me to put it on my left hand (I hadn’t worked out if this would be the case). And finally ‘What fucking difference does it make anyway, look if I put my hand over this here it’s not on my right side more than where my right arm is’. Or finally ‘I thought it meant YOUR right as you look at me not MY right’.
I waltzed in, not literally they only let one person in at a time and it takes two to waltz.
I take pictures of the Ferris Wheel, some balloons, a dome and some stages before watching The Drums, Tame Impala, Black Keys, Kings of Leon and The Chemical Brothers. Before getting the shuttle bus home which plays what sounds like music from a Carry On’ film on the way home. First day done, I put the TV to see on the news the police are looking out for a man wearing a vest and shorts with a carrier bag who is wanted for murder after supplying an overdose to his gay lover. Joking.

The second day I again put on my sunglasses and shots. I'm not feeling a lot more comfortable wearing them. Although looking back on my photos I'm now think I possibly looked totally gay. I believe instead of conveying the Cool Britania look or guitarist of one of the bands taking a stroll around after playing I looked much more like I should have been in the music video for a Wham! video.

As mentioned in previous blogs again I had some trouble seeing sometimes. I've come up with a solution though and from now on I will be taking this to all festivals and gigs.

However one glimmer of hope was one guy standing on something made him really tall and blocking everyones view behind him. After a lot of berating he still did not get down off what ever he was standing on. The crowd then started to throw bottles at him. He backed down - well done everyone I immediately felt a sense of commaradary with my fellow festivalers. Also when other people tried to barge their way through to the front for certain songs and just pushed people over I witnesses on girl PUSH BACK to a point where the guy and his mates were totally flumuxed on how to get by her and her mate. One of them pushed him so hard back I swear he was close to reacting by hitting her. Good on her though I would have just tutted to the person next to me if they'd done it past me.

I also witnessed two people lying in the middle of the fetival grinding on top of each other then the guy just getting out her tits and rubbing them in his face.

Suede were excellent playing all their hits and Brett Anderson going at such a pace and intensity I thought he was going to tear his shirt off and turn green or 'suede' (HA!) before punching anyone in the face. He didn't even stop to say anything about being 'back on these shores for the first time in years etc'. Just went from song to song. It was like hardcor porn. No foreplay just bang bang bang and BANG i'm done see ya! I thought my friend behind me was going to cum though judging by her reaction to seeing them play.

suede brett anderson

I also invented a new game a Coachella which you can play at all festivals. It trying to work out which toilet cubicle has been used the least in the layout of the toilet area. I thought it would be one at the entrance of the area as people would naturally just take a couple of steps into the area first before assessing where to go. Or perhaps it's the first one you see you should go to as people would be put off that one thinking most people would go to that one. Still had to hold my breathe going into each one.

Here's my obligatory 'peace sign' I never know what to do in photos. Although peace broke out immediatley after I made the sign. As you can see I lost both fingers after a freak sunbeam shot down and severed both peace fingers. So I stuck the other two on the other hand back at the sun and say 'F you sun'.

Hang the DJ

So I get a call from my good friend Dia on Tuesday midday asking if I'd like to DJ at the Satelitte for they have a Smiths tribute band on called 'The Smiths Indeed'. This is the perfect evening for me to DJ as I am a 'tribute' DJ in that I'm not as good as the real thing.
I have my itunes on my laptop and therefore need to burn some tracks onto some blank CD's. I but the cheapest pack of five CD's I can find. All loose in a pack for $2.99. I get home and start selecting my playlist. I try to put in a bit of everything (you never know exactly the crowd that will turn up - oh hang on I do - it's Smiths fans). I put some Manchester crica 1985-1991 in there as well as some British Pop or Britpop if you will.
I am also not allowed to play any Smiths/Morrissey that evening by order of the band.
I put in 129 tracks. Put in the first of my blank CD's (the blue one) and realize that it will hold 20 tracks. Hmmmm 129 divided by 5 equals time to go back to the shop and buy some more blank CD's.
I arrive home again with some more coloured CD's this time with cases with them. Now I more blank CDs but doubled up on the same colours.
After burning all my CD's I place them in a case each and write down all the tracks on a piece of notepaper which I slip into the inner case. I mark at the top of the notepaper (black CD, Green CD, Red CD, Pink CD, Orange CD etc oh and Black 2 CD).
I place them in my bag and venture to the bus stop.
After arriving I walk behind the sound system where I think I am DJing. I'm then shown that the CD decks are on the main bar floor area. As I walk behind them I realize that I'm too short to actually see the counter display moniters on the decks (this is essential if I am to start Ride at the exact right moment later). So Sylvia fetches me a crate to stand on. I was blind now I can see. Although it did feel like being a 3 year old just putting CDs into the slots just to see them disappear for a while.
So I play some easy listening type tracks to usher the people in. I then move onto some more contemporary stuff - it's all fine. My colour system and labeling is all fine. I play for an hour and a half before the first band play.
I then decide to put all my CD's back behind the sound system because obviously someone will want to steal them after hearing all the great tunes i'd just played.
Then about half an hour later the band end without saying thankyou to the audience or you can buy our CD from the lady at the back thus not giving me any warning that I'm meant to play a record when they walk off stage.
I run behind the sound system - grab my CDs' in one hand and then drop them. they all open and CD's go rolling around. I scoop them up and just put in the first CD I now open.
The Rolling Stones Gimmie Shelter plays. I get a good nod from a man in the audience. Now the next problem is there is no vocals on the record. I ask the sound guy if he's left a knob down? He says everything is fine. I switch to deck two. The Clash. Same again. I am now getting looks from the audience. I fiddle with a wire at the back and the vocals come back. However i am getting small electric shocks whilst holding them and have to keep them held in while the sound guy finds another wire.

I pick up another CD and cue it - I press play and it's not the right CD. It's Pink in the Orange Case (as my label says Orange at the top). Argh with one hand holding the wires in place I flip open the other CD's. New problem it's dark, Pink, red, orange all look the same in the dark.  I put in another CD, Stevie Wonder! Not what I want to play. I find what I do want to play - track nine - James. Guess what comes out - The Smiths !!! Something that i've been banned from playing (Black 2 cd is in Black 1 case). The crowd cheer - and within 5 seconds I've pushed it on 2 tracks. Ha that was just a teaser of what you might hear later!
Finally the wire is changed and I have two hands (the way God inteded) to re-arrange my CD's).
I finish the night on a high with Suede and Pulp and numerous requests for more Suede and Pulp.
So please come to my new night Suede and Pulp night (i have the best of suede in one deck and the best of Pulp in the other i will alternate between the two all night).