Whilst in Los Angeles I have to eat. So I go food shopping at my local supermarket. However in Los Feliz I got very confused between two supermarkets here. Vons and Jons below you can see why. Not only do they sound the same - they also seem to share the same sign designer.
Vons
Jons
In Britain is would be like Tesco having a store called Fresco or Iceland having a competitor called Viceland.
Anyway I believe Jons is the superior of the two so I decided to shop one week in Vons (very good) and the following week in Jons. Imagine my suprise when I found they were almost the same as Vons except of course for changing the one letter in their name. They had done this with all their products in store I guess to make sure no one could accuse them of copying Vons?
Well I have embarked on another trip to the city of Angles (right angled streets).
As I try to turn my woes into woos on ths shorter visit than usual I arrive at Virgin with my bag in tow. My bag which has British Airways written all across it. My check in person tells me that I'm not allowed that bag in this area and bang goes my chance of an upgrade.
First I head for a quick snack before bording which is always a sausage sandwich and tea. As I believe that they don't exist in America. One time before a flight at this period I picked up a Christmas Card by the letter box as I left and took it with me. I opened it whilst having a tea at the airport. The stages of buying a card and sending it to me went something like this. 1) It's Christmas let's send Jeremy a card 2) Let's got to the shop and pick a card - oh that one looks nice - lots of glitter - very Christmasy 3) Write in card, put it in post 4) Delivery of a day or three 5) Process in which all the glitter has fallen off the card and stored itself in sticky section of envelope and dried up there 6) Delivery of card to recipient (me) 7) oh that's nice someone has sent me a card 8) Open envelope 9)Watch as an explosion of glitter greets you and covers you completely, all over your jacket and lap 10) Sit open mouthed as your think that you now have to walk through security looking like a fairy.
sausages!
As I arrive at security I await my turn to step through the mental detector (thank god i took my pills). I proceed to take off my coat not noticing the old woman behind me has bent over to take off her shoes my elbow has reached the prime position to hit her on the head as she stands back up. I worry next that as I take off my belt i'll whip it off and slash her face before my trousers fall down and she falls into my crutch. As I take off my boots and of course drop 2 inches in height I then realize I have my I love chips socks on.
I get the odd look but thank god I didn't wear my I love bombs socks!
After getting through and laughed at for socks, shortness and trousers falling down I then get asked if they can swipe my bag. I have no idea what they are swiping it for drugs? dynamite? copies of Pippa Middletons book? I wanted to ask but thought better of it.
I head straight for the gate and arrive at boarding still trying to hide the name on my bag.
I get my seat and then wait anxiously to see if I've booked it right in that there was no-one booked into the seat next to me. Whilst I wait for some movement I start to plan my viewing for the flight.
The guy two seats away is reading out loud every film title in the magazine and asking his mate what they are about so I listen to what 21 Jump street is about and think if that guys watching it then I don't want to.
I first decide to watch this film
After watching that film I decide I will never watch a film ever again unless it involves General Zod. So I play this for 10 hours straight.
The guy who was reading out the films has now taken to reading pornography on the plane.
You can actually see his lips doing a 'phwoar look at the knockers on that broad' action.
After still now being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in even with the assistance of two chairs I back down on my rule of never watching a film again and decide I will watch the worst films I can out of them all. I watch Wrath of the Titans, The Amazing Spiderman (which wasn't that bad) and Battleship (the one with Rhianna in and is actually based on the boardgame - although no one in the film shouts out 'YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP' at any point).
When we finally arrive at LAX there is an announcement. A passenger is 'sick' and the paramedics are coming on board to take a look at him. The passenger is about 3 rows behind me so I can hear what is going on. Apparently the passenger will not open his eyes. I first imagine that Arnie has been on board and his daughter has been kidnapped. And the guy in question is the bad guy escort that he has killed by neck breakage before telling the hostess that his friend is Dead Tired before putting a hat on his face. The passenger has actually taken too many pills. That or he watched Jon Carter On Mars as I did and refuses to open his eyes again.
Hello readers.
Last month was the 4th July this is the day that celebrates the Declaration of Independence from the best country in the world The Great Britain. The day is a national holiday and there are BBQ's, parties and general drinkage.
On this day I was invited to my first Pool Party. Imagine that a house with a pool! The images were already forming. I'd arrive to pumping house music walk through two massive gates to the back patio decking area where upon a multitude of girls clad in bikinis were shaking their bottoms whilst people shouted 'PART-EE' a lot before some girls took their bikini tops off as everything got a bit wild. This has come from a lot of American 80s films I saw whilst growing up. Esp Porkies, Bachelor Party and probably Teenwolf or something.
I could not wait as being a Brit I was bound to be taken advantage of as already I wasn't going to take my swimming costume so therefore I'd probably look all awkward and nerdy (this wasn't my ploy it's more to do with body consciousness).
The whole night could not have been further away from this.
After arriving at the party and seeing the pool it reminded me of something that i'd see on Cowboy Builders I expected to see two swinging doors to get onto the diving board. There were a couple of people there. A couple in the pool and one or two dotted around the outside. But we were early I'm sure loads of people would turn up later shouting 'PART-EE' later carrying cakes of beer and just jumping in the pool fully clothed or in their PJs collecting a brick from the bottom of the pool.
So I just played musical chairs for a while and ate from the BBQ and the giant Cheese ball bottle.
My friend Cesar finally took the plunge in the pool and easily pulled off the this is MY pool Tony Montana look. If you fucked with him he would take a chainsaw to your inflatable.
By this time I'd decided to change into shorts (not worn since the Coachella Top Gun look i accidentally pulled off). Later however I went back to jeans the same colour as the shorts though so I could fool people into thinking that I hadn't actually changed three times that day like the idiot I am.
Later on we went outside to witness some fireworks being let off in the street. This is something that would never happen in the UK after numerous adverts I watched as a child....
After witnessing this poor firework display I was pretty much hoping that the person holding the firework would accidentally aim it at a car which would then explode. Fireworks were placed in the road as well during which time cars were actually passing by. Oh but then one turned out to be a cop car! Everyone rushed inside. Oh but before that the party got really good as someone started 'planking' Urgh. Here's one planking shot the planker.
I aslo saw his try and 'plank' and post box and himself across three cool boxes on which someone else planked on top of him that was a lot a planking more than you'd see in B&Q.
After this I went to find Cesar inside and tell him that because of the noise and the fireworks the party was being shut down at 10.30 by the cops.
Inisde the house I witnessed some live music by two drunk hipsters thinking they were coming up with the next piece that could match Mozart on an organ. This is just a snipet as they were doing this for hours.
Hipster Odesey...
After finding Cesar a girl approached me and asked about my accent. Brilliant!
I then (and I'm not kidding here) sat there for 20minutes whilst seated and she stood. Listen to her talk NON-STOP about how she was brilliant and telling peoples accents and that I had apparently picked up a slight American accents which she could tell (having not known what my accent was before I got to the US). She also preceeded to list all the countries she's lived in. And the fact that she was really intelligent and was going to be a professor one day. I asked her what she did now. 'I'm on incapacity benefits but I work under th counter'. She then apologized for 'offending us' (which I think she did to Cesar after saying that he'd done well to speak English or something that well). I asked why we would be offended. 'Because I'm a woman with a brain and I'm intelligent and people find that intimidating'. I asked if she knew who Carol Vorderman was' finally she left and I turned to the 4 other people dotted about in the room who i was giving looks to throughout the piece and shouted 'Why did no-one butt in that conversation and help us out' she was insane. I then quoted her 'Oh I'm sorry if I offended you' etc.
I'd seen this girl earlier at the party wearing her swimsuit but also a thong UNDERNEATH her swimsuit. I also watched as the drunkest man on his own at the party tried to throw a rubber ring into the air for her to dive off the board and through. They tried this about ten times and still didn't pull it off.
Whilst staying at my friends place for the week I decided to go for a bike ride along Los Angeles river.
I was using my friend Rena's bike which is pretty much a girl's bike with a big basket at the front.
This was bike with special brakes as in it didn't seem to have any. When i started off on the street (on the wrong side of the road I'll point out) I tried to grab the handlebars where the brakes should have been and there were none! Instead you have to pedal backwards in order for the brakes to work! I did not like this.
Anyway I road along the road and found the entrance to the lane. Switched on my itouch and pedaled.
I passed many serious cyclist on the lane (actually they passed me) and i didn't mind if they laughed at me on my girly bike. I was on a nice afternoon out. After nearly running over a squirrel 3miles later i reached on end of the lane. I then turned around and headed back.
This was after a near death experience when I went down the steep verge back through the gate which lead straigh to the edge of the river and forgot how to use my new brakes.
I also saw that someone had set up a home in the middle of the river
Part of the way back I needed a little toilet stop so on my way back I saw some cubicles so vered off the lane and rode into the car park and up to the cubicles.
However I noticed some men 'hanging around' the cubicles. Strange I thought. Two were oldish and there was another round the other side on his own. By now it was too late anyway I neeeded to go. So there I was little Jeremy pulling up on his dainty girly bike to what now looked like a cottaging centre. I can imagine they saw me as pulling up and ringing my bell singing 'la la la - oh I need to use one of these cubilces - hello boys - ooh there's no lock on this one - anyone could come in' (there was no lockon the one I used).
After peeing at the rate of 40 knots I got back on my bike and gave them all a wave and blew them a kiss (not really). However I was tempted to look up 'cottaging areas in LA' on google.
The other week I stayed at my friends place for a week whilst they went on holiday. They had a lovely apartment however I had to look after their cat.
I have no experience of looking after a cat. And what was worse was I was not allowed to let the cat out of the apartment. Every day whenever I couldn't see the cat in the apartment I thought 'i've lost the cat' and then had to go around the apartment till I found it.
The cat also took a liking for my socks going for them with it's claws. My socks are always colourful or patterned so I had to start wearing my Who Converse. This had the same effect with colours and laces so I had to revert back to leather boots.
I think the fact that the cat was black as well added to my fear of it. Have you seen Sabrina the Teenage witch? That cat can talk!
Sorry avid readers for my gap in blogs. I've been busy trying to remember my password for the past month. Today after 1492234 attempts I typed it in correctly. Only after I realized i had my laptop on Caps Lock. I thought there were only so many ways I could type the words Bruce Forsythe.
Anyway I recently went on a trip to San Francisco. We set off early as this was going to be a 6-7 hour drive. I immediately played on my Itouch 'Flickgolf' like a 10 year old would sat ni the back of his parents car (my parents here were Matt and Tita). Although I was good and didn't start asking 'are we there yet' until the 4th hour. I then got told to shut up and 'do you want me to pull over and give you a smack'. Judging by Tita's face she would have left a mark and i would then have enough proof to go to the authorites. So I shut up.
After arriving at Tita's friend place where we were staying we all went out for dinner at an Italian restaurant that looked like it would feature on 'Ramseys' Kitchen Knightmares'. The exterior looked like it was from the 60's and the interior looked like it was from the 40's.
Here's a nice painting they had up
I did expect to hear Gordon out the back shouting at someone until they cried and had a mental breakdown before storming past me and then being called back by the staff. If only we came after he did one of his makeovers. Anyway I played it safe and had an omlette.
After we saw some bands that evening we decided to go get some breakfast foods for the champions league final the next day
When we met a very nice man - who would have thought it in San francisco?
After this footage he met two girls from earlier in the night and a scream/howl/siren went off like a thousand casts being castrated. Damm it I never get the best bits on film.
The next day we went along haight ashbury for some shopping. After leaving Tita and Matt to meet them in about 20mins the Heavens opened and I stood under a shop canopy for about an hour as I'd looked at everything in the shop and couldn't see another shop to hang about in. So I just stood on the street.
Above is a strange creature I saw who sucked out allthe rubbish from the bin with his large snout.
I was asked later if I took any photos of the area? I asked why I would. It was then pointed out to me that is was a famous street in the 60s/70s - I had no idea though. To me it was a street of shops and mental people.
After more bands in the evening. We retired to our second persons apartment.
Sunday we went down to the beach area to where some old bath remains were and some caves.
Here's me contemplating whether who is better Submariner or Aquaman.
We later went to the piers and found a great arcade museum. I spent the afternoon playing the original Star Wars arcarde game along with the atari grand prix game (both of which i didn't do well in) I think that these games are a lot harder than anything on the x.box.
After this we went to go down Lombard Street which is the windy road as featured in many a film including Bullet. We spent about an hour in a line of cars on a street at an angle of about 90 degrees. I never liked doing hills starts and how Matt managed to start off with out 1) screeching his wheels or 2) rolling back and hitting the car behind. I don't know.
After this we finally started our travel back. This time it felt like i'd been on a flight. I also wanted on occaision when passing a large truck wanted us to pull underneath the truck like in Smokey and the Bandit.
We didn't do this.
Here are some other pics from San fran
Last night I went to watch the game of scooerball bewtween the Los Angeles Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls. East vs West, Beckham vs Henry, Biggie vs Tupac and errm Randy Newman vs Alicia Keyes
Anyway both top of their leagues and wanting to prove whose the boss (like Tony Danza). This was a widely hyped game with LA Galaxy wanted to avenge an ealier lose. I wore a white t-shirt and wrote the word Donovan on the back (I can now aslo wear this to the Donovan concert I am going to).
So after collecting my ticket from Will Call (nice bloke). I buy my $13 Corona and take my bench seat. First up is the National Anthem.
So what do I do? I'm English. I haven't read the formalities for someone elses anthem. Like what do you do if you meet the Queen and you are a Republican? Do you still bow or curtsey? Do you do it just curtsey out of courtesy?
So I stand with my beer in my hand...Is this rude as well? I don't place my hand over my heart as I've seen on tv. I put my hand in my pocket - but this means it's near my genitalia. Again does this mean that I'm dissing the flag by placing my hand nearer my penis than my heart and am I kind of pissing on the flag? Should I take a sip from my beer or is this equal to being drunk whilst the anthem is played? I don't even know the words - and if I sing along is that treason against my Queen? After a BIG finale by the singer it's over and I shout God Save America by accident.
The players come out and the announcer erm announces their names
David Beckham gets a big cheer - the announcer sounds more like he should be introducing boxers onto the field though.
So after kick off. New York are all over the LA Galaxy half. And within minutes Thierre Henry shows his class and after a lucky rebound takes the ball round the keeper and then nutmegs a defender to score a goal. This immediately deflates the crowd and mass booing ensues.
Thierry Henry goal
Really New Yorks game plan was working to a tee for teh first 20 minutes and LA Galaxy were leaving all sorts of gaps whilst only seeming to use the left side for going forward due to seemingly not having a left winger. After a while LA came back into the game with Beckham occaisionally switching the play with a trademark cross field pass. Then LA broke into a few shots (including and disallowed offsied goal) which they should really have scored from. Finally after 40 minutes a cross from Beckham resulted in Landon Calrissian heading in the Woodward>Equalizer.
Donovan goal
Then moments later Donovan takes the ball around the keeper at the edge of the box and has the whole of the goal to score in. But then calmly tries to side foot it slowly into the empty goal. This gives the defender plenty of time to run back and clear it off the line. Bad Donovan!
After half time Galaxy seem to have cahnged their formation (without commentary i can't tell how). And play a lot better in the second half. However the finishing leaves a lot to be desired. A Beckham free kick towards the end of the match only achievs a save for the cameras from the NY Bulls keeper.
And the final whistle blows. The crowd also think it blows that LA couldn't muster a win. Henry won over Beckham today with some lovely subtle touches and I swear he did his look one way/pass the other trick.
Here's highlights of the whole game for football people Highlights
