LA Galaxy Vs New York Red Bulls Soccerball match

Last night I went to watch the game of scooerball bewtween the Los Angeles Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls. East vs West, Beckham vs Henry, Biggie vs Tupac and errm Randy Newman vs Alicia Keyes

Randy Newman - I love LA
New York Alicia Keys

Anyway both top of their leagues and wanting to prove whose the boss (like Tony Danza). This was a widely hyped game with LA Galaxy wanted to avenge an ealier lose. I wore a white t-shirt and wrote the word Donovan on the back (I can now aslo wear this to the Donovan concert I am going to).
So after collecting my ticket from Will Call (nice bloke). I buy my $13 Corona and take my bench seat. First up is the National Anthem.

So what do I do? I'm English. I haven't read the formalities for someone elses anthem. Like what do you do if you meet the Queen and you are a Republican? Do you still bow or curtsey? Do you do it just curtsey out of courtesy?
So I stand with my beer in my hand...Is this rude as well? I don't place my hand over my heart as I've seen on tv. I put my hand in my pocket - but this means it's near my genitalia. Again does this mean that I'm dissing the flag by placing my hand nearer my penis than my heart and am I kind of pissing on the flag? Should I take a sip from my beer or is this equal to being drunk whilst the anthem is played? I don't even know the words - and if I sing along is that treason against my Queen? After a BIG finale by the singer it's over and I shout God Save America by accident.

The players come out and the announcer erm announces their names

David Beckham gets a big cheer - the announcer sounds more like he should be introducing boxers onto the field though.
So after kick off. New York are all over the LA Galaxy half. And within minutes Thierre Henry shows his class and after a lucky rebound takes the ball round the keeper and then nutmegs a defender to score a goal. This immediately deflates the crowd and mass booing ensues.

Thierry Henry goal
Really New Yorks game plan was working to a tee for teh first 20 minutes and LA Galaxy were leaving all sorts of gaps whilst only seeming to use the left side for going forward due to seemingly not having a left winger. After a while LA came back into the game with Beckham occaisionally switching the play with a trademark cross field pass. Then LA broke into a few shots (including and disallowed offsied goal) which they should really have scored from. Finally after 40 minutes a cross from Beckham resulted in Landon Calrissian heading in the Woodward>Equalizer.

 Donovan goal
Then moments later Donovan takes the ball around the keeper at the edge of the box and has the whole of the goal to score in. But then calmly tries to side foot it slowly into the empty goal. This gives the defender plenty of time to run back and clear it off the line. Bad Donovan!
After half time Galaxy seem to have cahnged their formation (without commentary i can't tell how). And play a lot better in the second half. However the finishing leaves a lot to be desired. A Beckham free kick towards the end of the match only achievs a save for the cameras from the NY Bulls keeper.

And the final whistle blows. The crowd also think it blows that LA couldn't muster a win. Henry won over Beckham today with some lovely subtle touches and I swear he did his look one way/pass the other trick.

Here's highlights of the whole game for football people
Highlights

Itouch myself

Before I got to LA I used to sit next to Jon (my ex-flatmate) and look longing at his Iphone. And thought to myself ‘I.Phone’ (in a neaderthal voice). They are too expensive though. Then After receiving a Christmas bonus at work last year I hear about the Itouch. Which is like the Iphone but without the phone (so just an I?).
So I needed a new Ipod anyway and wanted the ‘apps’ and Wifi connection to hang around in cafes with. I bought it and immediately downloaded Streetfighter 4 & Mortal Kombat as my first ‘apps’. These I played on the plane over to LA.
Later on while walking around LA listening to Flowered Up or The Mock Turtles I stop off at the odd Café and go ‘wireless’ (I’m currently undercover for the FBI so I just take a break from recording gang related conversations). As a very part time writer I sometimes have to write stuff down in my notebook. Now though I don’t need a notebook as there is a notebook on my Itouch so I do need a notebook but not a real notebook – take note. A little keypad or touch pad appears and luckily I have delicate tiny man hands that can touch the right keys. After a while of tapping my wpm start to increase and before I know it I start to think that I must look like some man genius the amount of typing I’m doing. Like in that film D.A.R.Y.L or Short Circuit when Jonny five reads really quickly or that the Government has placed a computer chip in my brain. Either way I think I now look pretty clever and intelligent. I also have a couple of ideas for apps now so if anyone knows how to do them please contact me.
The downside is that I also downloaded FlickFootball. This involves you kicking a ball with by flicking your finger across the screen and getting the ball into the goal.
I play this all the time. Waiting for a bus, at a bar, in the restroom. I even played it whilst watching a real live football game. I’m now worried that I’m going to strain my finger like when David James ( I ♥ David James) injured himself from playing too many games on his Playstation. Or that my finger is going to be twice the size of all my other fingers (like my right arm is slightly bigger than my left). If that happens I’m going to have to use all my other fingers to get them up to matching sizes. I also make faces when I play. I stick my toungue in the side of my mouth and chew it - i've done this all my life when concentrating. Like when I used to draw laods i stuck my toungue at the side of my mouth and chewed - perhaps I should do this when trying to write. Perhaps I have some bodily chemical that's released when I chew from my toungue that heightens my performance - although perhaps I should restrain form using it whilst having sexy times with a lady incase it looks like i've taken drugs in order to get through the love making.
When playing I also make facial expressions when I miss a goal or just generally cock up my free kicks. Again anyone watching me would think i'm having some sort of flashbacks or something. Regardless I probably look like a mentalist. And also - is it cool to play on your Iphone/Touch? Do you look modern and technically logically sound. Or do I look like a man who can't grow up and plays video games with no real conception of getting on in life. the decision is yours. Got to stop typing now my right index finger is hurting from typing.

Coachella Ella Ella

Well after weeks and weeks and days that make up weeks. I finally had my last weekend in Los Angeles and rounded it off with the Coachella Festival. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Strokes, Interpol, Suede, Tame Impala, Duran Duran, Chemical Brothers, Elbow, Presets, Black Keys, Marina & The Diamonds, Delta Sun? Best Coast and Kayne West. I’ve been dying to get my own back on Kayne west for a year now since he jumped on stage during Taylor Swifts acceptance speech. My plan was to jump on stage grab the mike off him and say yeah but we all know that Taylor Swift should be headlining Coachella. Then at Glastonbury this yea I’m going to jump onstage during Beyonce’s gig and grab the mike off her and say that ‘Yeah but we all know that Kayne West should be headlining Glastonbury’. And thus start a cycle of events between the three that will culmulate in a three way at next years Wrestlemania.

Anyway the day was to start at 6am when I arrived at the subway station for my friend to get to the Greyhound coach station for 6.30am. Like Charlie and his Cat I waited but no-one turned up. I phoned got through to voicemail and then thought right do I leave this person whose ticket I have and dosen’t know where the coach station is to make their own way? After 15 mins I can see them running up the street. I’ve checked the time of the next train – she has three minutes to get up the road across two crossings, down the escalators and into the train. We make it although before we’ve even reached the sweltering temperatures of Coachella I’m already sweating after our Olympic event of dashing.

We reach the Greyhound station at 6.33am. What a weird place that was at that time. There were two other pairs of people going to Coachella. I deduced this from age, luggage and fashion. A man wearing a baseball jacket trying to make the odd bit of conversation without success to anyone. And a man in his mid-late 20’s wearing a vest top and shorts with a carrier back. Strange for that time in the morning I though. Turns out I was right he was strange as in stranger danger call Walker Texas Ranger. He was sat on the row of seats to our left and was shaking and comforting himself by rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He then started saying ‘You can do this, you can do this’. My friend went to get some water from a nearby shop and in that time he started weeping. The other American guy asked ‘what are you crying about’. He pronounced that he was fine. I could then hear him regurgitate the word ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’. My friend came back just intime to witness him singing. Then out of the blue he turns to our direction with eyes WIDE OPEN as he could and immediately saying in a camp American accent ‘So. Where are you two going’. Almost in a state where if he doesn’t find out the answer a bomb will go off in his stomach. My friend answers Coachella. Luckily a veteran of Coachella now sat next to us butts in the conversation and says he was Big Audio Dynamite last night so without hesitation I talk to him. Always talk to the lesser of potential murderous drifters.
Our coach arrives the ‘Pespi, pepsi, pepsi’ guy leaves to get on it. Now our silence can be broken and my friend and I discuss what just happened. Thank God he is getting on that coach. Oh hang on that’s our coach too! On entering the coach we notice it is full. We start to walk down I spot a seat right at the back. Guess whose sat on the back row with an old woman spluttering out her guts through not being able to smoke for more than 10 minutes. Yes Mr ‘So…Where are you going today’. Abort Abort Abort! Retreat! Use the fire exit! There’s no way back people are behind you now trying to find seats. You have to take it. HA! No I don’t Sir would you kindly move your bag – saved with one row to go. After which the delirious guy gets out of his back seat and walks to the front of the coach and waits for the driver. I guess ‘He couldn’t do it’. I think that Greyhound are much the same as National Express coaches in Britain from what Jon once told about a trip he had up to Manchester on one. I still think that man had accidentally killed someone the night before and was doing a runner.
After changing coaches we get on the ‘proper’ Coachella coach everyone is younger than me, trendier and showing more skin than me (I’m in jeans). Oh look someone has bought their guitar onboard – Great! Can’t wait to hear their rendition of Death From Above 1979. We get some lad or jock shout out ‘COACHELLA BABY WOOOH!’. There was no reaction. Apart from me saying ‘Shut up and sit down’. I’m really in the Coachella spirit. Again I have a seat next to me. About 80% of the coach is young ladies. So the odds on me getting a lanky 6ft spotty guy who bites his nails for the entire journey are about 100-1. If only I could put such a bet on on Sky Bet as I would have been 100 pounds up 5 minutes later. I could not believe he hadn’t bitten down his fingers to a stub by the time we got off the coach. And what did he do with the bits that he did chew off? Did he swallow or spit? Either one makes me gag.
Finally after taking the local sunshite bus we get to the Shadown Mountain Resort. Which on reflection sounds like a holiday camp for evil geniuses. After getting through the Iron gate I spy someone on a golf buggy. I want a go on one of those.
We get to our apartment. Looks fine and leads out to the swimming pool which if this was a resort for evil geniuses would retract across revealing a night night secret lair. The following morning at the resort we go for breakfast by the pool and have two old men playing covers of songs.

They do a version of 'I shot the Sheriff' in which one of them spurts the line after the chorus 'I shot him stone cold dead'. Which made the other one laugh. Although In my head I wished he'd said after the chorus 'I shot that motherfucker in the head, blew his brains everywhere, he ain't getting back up'.

I never checked late at night if a massive laser gun rose up from this pool. But there were a lot of white fluffy cats wearing diamond encrusted collars roaming around the pool area??? Que Thunderbirds music...

I finally unvail my legs by putting on my shorts with my pair of ‘The Who’ conversse trainers/sneakers. Put on my sunglasses (again not since I was 16 have I worn a pair). I felt like Tom Crusie in Topman as my shirt and shorts where from the store. Apply my factor 50 (yes 50 – it actually went up to 100 in the shop). I think anything over 100 works in reverse and makes you whiter. And off I go to Coachella!
After a short walk from the shuttle bus to the entrance I realize that I’ve put my special band on my left hand on not right as instructed in the manual. So I think up excuses incase they point this out to me at the entrance (it was very strict in the manual to go on the right and pointed out if any wristband had to be changed it would cost you $25). So I thought, ‘oh I was in a rush, my friend just gave me the wristband and not the instructions, I’m left handed so it’s easier for me to put it on my left hand (I hadn’t worked out if this would be the case). And finally ‘What fucking difference does it make anyway, look if I put my hand over this here it’s not on my right side more than where my right arm is’. Or finally ‘I thought it meant YOUR right as you look at me not MY right’.
I waltzed in, not literally they only let one person in at a time and it takes two to waltz.
I take pictures of the Ferris Wheel, some balloons, a dome and some stages before watching The Drums, Tame Impala, Black Keys, Kings of Leon and The Chemical Brothers. Before getting the shuttle bus home which plays what sounds like music from a Carry On’ film on the way home. First day done, I put the TV to see on the news the police are looking out for a man wearing a vest and shorts with a carrier bag who is wanted for murder after supplying an overdose to his gay lover. Joking.

The second day I again put on my sunglasses and shots. I'm not feeling a lot more comfortable wearing them. Although looking back on my photos I'm now think I possibly looked totally gay. I believe instead of conveying the Cool Britania look or guitarist of one of the bands taking a stroll around after playing I looked much more like I should have been in the music video for a Wham! video.

As mentioned in previous blogs again I had some trouble seeing sometimes. I've come up with a solution though and from now on I will be taking this to all festivals and gigs.

However one glimmer of hope was one guy standing on something made him really tall and blocking everyones view behind him. After a lot of berating he still did not get down off what ever he was standing on. The crowd then started to throw bottles at him. He backed down - well done everyone I immediately felt a sense of commaradary with my fellow festivalers. Also when other people tried to barge their way through to the front for certain songs and just pushed people over I witnesses on girl PUSH BACK to a point where the guy and his mates were totally flumuxed on how to get by her and her mate. One of them pushed him so hard back I swear he was close to reacting by hitting her. Good on her though I would have just tutted to the person next to me if they'd done it past me.

I also witnessed two people lying in the middle of the fetival grinding on top of each other then the guy just getting out her tits and rubbing them in his face.

Suede were excellent playing all their hits and Brett Anderson going at such a pace and intensity I thought he was going to tear his shirt off and turn green or 'suede' (HA!) before punching anyone in the face. He didn't even stop to say anything about being 'back on these shores for the first time in years etc'. Just went from song to song. It was like hardcor porn. No foreplay just bang bang bang and BANG i'm done see ya! I thought my friend behind me was going to cum though judging by her reaction to seeing them play.

suede brett anderson

I also invented a new game a Coachella which you can play at all festivals. It trying to work out which toilet cubicle has been used the least in the layout of the toilet area. I thought it would be one at the entrance of the area as people would naturally just take a couple of steps into the area first before assessing where to go. Or perhaps it's the first one you see you should go to as people would be put off that one thinking most people would go to that one. Still had to hold my breathe going into each one.

Here's my obligatory 'peace sign' I never know what to do in photos. Although peace broke out immediatley after I made the sign. As you can see I lost both fingers after a freak sunbeam shot down and severed both peace fingers. So I stuck the other two on the other hand back at the sun and say 'F you sun'.

My View from Above

As you know I am not the tallest person. I've maybe or maybe not explained the problems at gigs. Where I think they should have a 'if you are taller than this height you may not enter this area' area. Like you have a theme parks to get onto rides. For short people to see at gigs.
Anyway here was my view on American Airlines of the only screen to watch the movie on.

He was so tall he extended his headrest upward (something I didn't know you could do).
And here's my view from my 'window' seat I chose for my flight back to LA yesterday...

Again a great view of the wing. At least I could see if there were any problems with it and warn the pilot.

Being pampered

Everyone in LA attempts to look good. And a lot pull it off. After my Coachella ‘call the fashion police, no wait better make it FBI’ faux pas I’m thinking I need appear on one of those make-over shows. Probably one where they tear me down mentally and physically before making me stand in a pit full of mirrors where bitchy women who’ve paid money to get in look from above drinking champagne hurling abuse at me before the police raid the place and find me cowering saying ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’ (see Coachella post).
Anyway I went to see a friend who worked in a spa for a late lunch and instead got invited in for a manicure. My immediate reaction was ‘Isn’t that a bit gay’? She replied that lots of men have it done. So I sat with my hands out and was told to relax them (how can one get tense about having his nails done?). So they were placed in warm water, dabbed with some vanilla stuff and then cut and filed. This made my hair on my arms extend up. As I have a thing for people who use nail files. It’s like scratching your nails down a chalkboard (Argh even now it’s making me shudder).
She then plucked the bits of skin form the bottom of my nail – where the bottom curve is?
She then made one of my fingers bleed, ‘oh that’s the first time I’ve done that’. Nice to know I was being treated with the same precision as a paying customer I told her. It would then not stop bleeding. I told her I was going to make a complaint and sue her shop for at least $10. I have to say though I did have nice shiny, smelly nails afterwards. Next week I’m getting my toe nails done.

Before my flight back to London I popped to New York and did LOADS of walking. To a point where later on in days I developed a funny walk as my leg limbs started to cease up. So at airport I saw a foot massage at $25 for 10 mins. That will cure it I though. So in I went. Foot massage please. They took my coat. I took off my shoes and Wolverine socks and waited in excitement as I’d often read that the feet contain nerves that can relax the rest of your body. I was looking forward to my massause finding spots on my feet that would result in my arm flinging out to the side as a unexpected result of that spot on the ball of my foot.

I lay back in the cahir and they turned on the chair. Which then proceeded to massage my back and neck. An added bonus a back and neck massage. The chair was very rigourous I wanted to get the full effect so pushed my back as far into the chair as I could. However as the motions moved up and down my back it gradually kept pushing me out of the chair from my lower back extending my stomach out to my neck making me look down. I spent the whole 10 minutes trying to work out if I looked wierds and weighed so little that the chair couldn’t help but push me out. Or whether because I’m little that my body wasn’t matched up to wear it was meant to be massaging me. After trying to work all this out I heard the words ‘Ok we’re done now’. I couldn’t relax at all during the foot massage. And got embarrassed when she tried to put my socks back on for me. One because I thought that was a bit much I can do that. Two because they had pictures of Wolverine on them.