Los Angeles is full of people trying to promote themselves as the next Jonny Depp, Angelina Jolie or Brian Blessed. If you are advertising your busniess though what better way than doing live Karaoke in the middle of the street!
This was for the new store opened on Sunset and Hillhurst 'The Vintage Vortex' which currently has for sale a great Hugh Hefner Playboy pinball machine.
Talking of Actors and Actresses was having a drink with some friends and in walks Kirsten Dunst. I would not have known who this diminutive lady was if it wasn't for the immediate whispers and hand covering mouth gestures. What should be my move here? Should I go over pretend that I don't know who she is and say 'hello can I buy you a drink'? Should I accidentally bump into her and introduce myself that way. OR shall I go over and say one of these three lines.
1) Hello I look extremely good in a Spiderman outift (I did when I was 5 in my Spiderman PJ's)
2) Fancy being caught in my web
3) Just sing the old theme tune to Spiderman to her (spider man, spider man does whatever a spider can).
Of course I did none of the above and just watched her escape my advances. My spidey sense told me it wasn't a good idea after all.
Last week I was suffering from Saturday Night Fever so I saw this guy
Every country has it's crazy people. In my hometown of Worthing I remember there used to be a man who stood on a street corner dressed in a stripped blazer, boater hat and just waved at traffic going 'cooeeeee' and lifting his left leg up behind him and a camp limping of the wrist. He had a couple of names such as 'The Duke' & 'Burlington Bertie'.
Burlington Bertie
There was also the 'Bag Lady' who I think just had bags wrapped around her hands and feet (we used think she had alien hands and feet underneath).
I've seen my fair share of this sort in Los Angeles. On Friday night I traveled along Sunset on the bus and sat next to an old woman who kept telling me about her arm (and showing it to me) and her eye. She then told me she had a gun. I immediately thought 'Brilliant I'm going to be shot by a one eyed woman who can't aim straight - this is how I would have wanted to go'. The best 'character' i've ever seen here was when I was waiting for the underground train (Yes LA does have a subway system). He had long hair wore a black top and skirt. Fair enough nothing too strange about that a man in a skirt you may say. It was more the fact that on his front he had clinging to him round his neck and waist an effigy of HIMSELF looking back at him. a full effigy with it's arms around his neck and it's legs around his waist.
I've also been walking along Hollywood Boulevard with my Itouch on (see Itouch myself post). I got it out to switch from Geneva to Tame Impala when a man walking towards me starts shouting at me along the lines of 'You stinking little dirty CUNT', he repeat this over and over again by carefully using the words in a slightly different order so I don't get bored by his abuse. How he knew I was listening to Geneva I don't know.
This week i sat outside Morning Nights coffee place having a tea when we noticed a small guy walking across the street in a motorcycle helmet and one glovecarrying a $1 store bag. There was no motorbike to be seen and his walk was a little odd. He proceeded to do one lap of the grass triangle (in 23 degree heat) before plopping himself down on a rock. He then drank from his $1 store bag through his helmet.
I like to think this was the guy who played Street Hawk
On my way home I noticed this bohemoth of a dog.
The At-At dog
It seems the new trend is now to go the opposite way to having a small dog to go in your hangbag.
The WEIRDEST thing i've seen in Los Angeles is this!
An auction sign for a plot of land with two posters of the band Styx on it
PS whilst tracking down Burlington Bertie I came across this local character The Shipley dancer.. Enjoy.
So for my first day out in Los Angeles I decide to take a walk along Sunset Boulevard and into Silverlake area. This is the 'hipster' type area along with Echo Park. I hate using that term hipster and how on earth has it travelled across the ocean and into the Enlgish language? What were hipsters before they were called this? I'm sure it's the same with Chavs that they were called something else in before being called chavs (was it hoodies?). Anyway being a hipster seems to consist of having a beard and a cheque shirt and tattoos. So I have some stubble and cheque shirt and I did some drawings on my arm of a the film Legend with Tom Cruise just to fit in before I left. I've also been called 'Bro' twice since I've been here and one fist pump. I shuddered after each incident.
I found two lovely mid century furniture shops The Living Room and Danish Modern.
The Living Room had a lovely picture of Mark Spitz which you can just see in my pic. And a very large picture of the Beatles.
Danish Modern had such a vast amount of lovely stuff I nearly just wanted to move into the shop and call it my home.
After this I started my walk back to Los Feliz when I noticed two guys holding aloft a large square canvas with some pattern on it. The guy infront of them was filming as they were walking down Sunset. In my head I immediately thought 'oh it's that David Bowie The Next Day square symbol'. This design had been put infront of objects by fans etc and posted up on the internet. So there was me thinking 'oh I'm going to be in some David Bowie video that will be immortalised forever like Courtney Cox in Bruce Springsteens Dancing in the Dark. As they got closer to my path of glory, I looked up at the square canvas and then realised it wasn't the Bowie design but it was the Prop 8 symbol for getting gay marriage through Congress. I think my appearance will now help push it through.
Well I keep being urged to write again while I'm over so I'll start at the beginning. With my flight over.
The past 3 times over to LA my plane has not been full allowing me to pick a seat with no one next to me and thus with my height I can fully extend across the seats and then laugh at business class who have paid 3 times as much to do exactly the same thing.
This journey I went online and saw many seats filled but the three in the middle at the back free so I picked the end of the three imagining I'd be able to stretch out again and sleep for the journey. However on getting to check-in I was told that the plane was full now so I'm now stuck at the back on an isle seat so I'll be one of the last off and last in the queue for customs.
On getting to check-in with Virgin I try and hide by on board bag as it's a British Airways vintage flight back. However I have to put if on the scales to be weighed. The check-in woman says she shouldn't really allow me on with 'that' bag. So I tell her that she should upgrade me as I'm defecting from flying with BA and that's how much I like Virgin. This doesn't work.
BA Bag
So on the seat next to me is a nice looking lady. It then dawns on me to watch something 'intelligent' from the selection of films on my screen. I chose 'Cloud Atlas'. Which, I have to say wasn't as mental as I hoped it would be. But I did enjoy Jim Broadbent in it and Tom Hanks playing and Irish gangster was pretty bizarre. After this I decided to watch the sequel to the best film ever*
I will find you...again and I will kill you....erm...again. Goodbye
Taken 2 with Liam Neeson as you can tell now I'm trying to show the lady next to me that I am a bit manly by watching some violence. I always wanted to see this film at the cinema thinking it can't be bad as it will just be as good as the first Taken? But it really was Taken the piss (ha!).
The first hour of acting was so bad - it was like Liam Neeson was doing his comedy bit from 'Life's Too Short'. And the best character from the first film (the new husband of Neesons divorced wife) is immediately written out as the first meeting of his wife is still upset over something he did and left (can't remember what).
This leaves the door open for a reconciliation. Anyway it was almost like a comedy in the first part as Liam plays a sort of sitcom character in being 'the worlds most possessive dad'. He's even fed the line 'Don't go checking up on her new boyfriend'. Cut to him banging on his front door.
Later on Liam and his wife get 'Taken' and I don't know whether she had something written in her contract that she would only be able to say 10 lines in the film but she is pretty much out cold for about half the film being left in the dungeon then carried around then dumped on a floor again. There were about 3 times when he went back to her body where you just thought she was dead.
His daughter also from not being able to pass her test manages to circumnavigate Istanbul in a presumable right hand drive and not crash. She also runs around Istanbul throwing grenades every 15 minutes and not alert the police or army or anti terrorist unit. She has to throw them where 'nobody is around' but I expected her to throw it see a dead body and then just shout 'Sorry'.
Anyway you'll be glad to know she passes her test at the end of the film. So the moral of the film as far as I can gather is to go to Istanbul have your mum and dad kidnapped. Throw some grenades about and then put yourself under pressure to drive around Istanbul being chased by the police and gangsters in order to definitely pass your test.
One time I traveled to LA I decided to watch the film 'Next' with Nicolas Cage'. This film featured a plane crash and it's aftermath. I was pretty shocked when I saw it (not the film which is bad but the scene). When I arrived home I wrote to the airline company complaining that I was shaken up by this scene and thought it was inappropriate to show this film on a plane. I wasn't actually bothered I was just trying to get some free airmiles as compenstation. Anyway here's the clip and can anyone tell me why Nic Cage just shouts 'Hey' at the first passenger who runs past him who is also burning alive?
Whilst in Los Angeles I have to eat. So I go food shopping at my local supermarket. However in Los Feliz I got very confused between two supermarkets here. Vons and Jons below you can see why. Not only do they sound the same - they also seem to share the same sign designer.
Vons
Jons
In Britain is would be like Tesco having a store called Fresco or Iceland having a competitor called Viceland.
Anyway I believe Jons is the superior of the two so I decided to shop one week in Vons (very good) and the following week in Jons. Imagine my suprise when I found they were almost the same as Vons except of course for changing the one letter in their name. They had done this with all their products in store I guess to make sure no one could accuse them of copying Vons?
Well I have embarked on another trip to the city of Angles (right angled streets).
As I try to turn my woes into woos on ths shorter visit than usual I arrive at Virgin with my bag in tow. My bag which has British Airways written all across it. My check in person tells me that I'm not allowed that bag in this area and bang goes my chance of an upgrade.
First I head for a quick snack before bording which is always a sausage sandwich and tea. As I believe that they don't exist in America. One time before a flight at this period I picked up a Christmas Card by the letter box as I left and took it with me. I opened it whilst having a tea at the airport. The stages of buying a card and sending it to me went something like this. 1) It's Christmas let's send Jeremy a card 2) Let's got to the shop and pick a card - oh that one looks nice - lots of glitter - very Christmasy 3) Write in card, put it in post 4) Delivery of a day or three 5) Process in which all the glitter has fallen off the card and stored itself in sticky section of envelope and dried up there 6) Delivery of card to recipient (me) 7) oh that's nice someone has sent me a card 8) Open envelope 9)Watch as an explosion of glitter greets you and covers you completely, all over your jacket and lap 10) Sit open mouthed as your think that you now have to walk through security looking like a fairy.
sausages!
As I arrive at security I await my turn to step through the mental detector (thank god i took my pills). I proceed to take off my coat not noticing the old woman behind me has bent over to take off her shoes my elbow has reached the prime position to hit her on the head as she stands back up. I worry next that as I take off my belt i'll whip it off and slash her face before my trousers fall down and she falls into my crutch. As I take off my boots and of course drop 2 inches in height I then realize I have my I love chips socks on.
I get the odd look but thank god I didn't wear my I love bombs socks!
After getting through and laughed at for socks, shortness and trousers falling down I then get asked if they can swipe my bag. I have no idea what they are swiping it for drugs? dynamite? copies of Pippa Middletons book? I wanted to ask but thought better of it.
I head straight for the gate and arrive at boarding still trying to hide the name on my bag.
I get my seat and then wait anxiously to see if I've booked it right in that there was no-one booked into the seat next to me. Whilst I wait for some movement I start to plan my viewing for the flight.
The guy two seats away is reading out loud every film title in the magazine and asking his mate what they are about so I listen to what 21 Jump street is about and think if that guys watching it then I don't want to.
I first decide to watch this film
After watching that film I decide I will never watch a film ever again unless it involves General Zod. So I play this for 10 hours straight.
The guy who was reading out the films has now taken to reading pornography on the plane.
You can actually see his lips doing a 'phwoar look at the knockers on that broad' action.
After still now being able to find a comfortable position to sleep in even with the assistance of two chairs I back down on my rule of never watching a film again and decide I will watch the worst films I can out of them all. I watch Wrath of the Titans, The Amazing Spiderman (which wasn't that bad) and Battleship (the one with Rhianna in and is actually based on the boardgame - although no one in the film shouts out 'YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP' at any point).
When we finally arrive at LAX there is an announcement. A passenger is 'sick' and the paramedics are coming on board to take a look at him. The passenger is about 3 rows behind me so I can hear what is going on. Apparently the passenger will not open his eyes. I first imagine that Arnie has been on board and his daughter has been kidnapped. And the guy in question is the bad guy escort that he has killed by neck breakage before telling the hostess that his friend is Dead Tired before putting a hat on his face. The passenger has actually taken too many pills. That or he watched Jon Carter On Mars as I did and refuses to open his eyes again.
Hello readers.
Last month was the 4th July this is the day that celebrates the Declaration of Independence from the best country in the world The Great Britain. The day is a national holiday and there are BBQ's, parties and general drinkage.
On this day I was invited to my first Pool Party. Imagine that a house with a pool! The images were already forming. I'd arrive to pumping house music walk through two massive gates to the back patio decking area where upon a multitude of girls clad in bikinis were shaking their bottoms whilst people shouted 'PART-EE' a lot before some girls took their bikini tops off as everything got a bit wild. This has come from a lot of American 80s films I saw whilst growing up. Esp Porkies, Bachelor Party and probably Teenwolf or something.
I could not wait as being a Brit I was bound to be taken advantage of as already I wasn't going to take my swimming costume so therefore I'd probably look all awkward and nerdy (this wasn't my ploy it's more to do with body consciousness).
The whole night could not have been further away from this.
After arriving at the party and seeing the pool it reminded me of something that i'd see on Cowboy Builders I expected to see two swinging doors to get onto the diving board. There were a couple of people there. A couple in the pool and one or two dotted around the outside. But we were early I'm sure loads of people would turn up later shouting 'PART-EE' later carrying cakes of beer and just jumping in the pool fully clothed or in their PJs collecting a brick from the bottom of the pool.
So I just played musical chairs for a while and ate from the BBQ and the giant Cheese ball bottle.
My friend Cesar finally took the plunge in the pool and easily pulled off the this is MY pool Tony Montana look. If you fucked with him he would take a chainsaw to your inflatable.
By this time I'd decided to change into shorts (not worn since the Coachella Top Gun look i accidentally pulled off). Later however I went back to jeans the same colour as the shorts though so I could fool people into thinking that I hadn't actually changed three times that day like the idiot I am.
Later on we went outside to witness some fireworks being let off in the street. This is something that would never happen in the UK after numerous adverts I watched as a child....
After witnessing this poor firework display I was pretty much hoping that the person holding the firework would accidentally aim it at a car which would then explode. Fireworks were placed in the road as well during which time cars were actually passing by. Oh but then one turned out to be a cop car! Everyone rushed inside. Oh but before that the party got really good as someone started 'planking' Urgh. Here's one planking shot the planker.
I aslo saw his try and 'plank' and post box and himself across three cool boxes on which someone else planked on top of him that was a lot a planking more than you'd see in B&Q.
After this I went to find Cesar inside and tell him that because of the noise and the fireworks the party was being shut down at 10.30 by the cops.
Inisde the house I witnessed some live music by two drunk hipsters thinking they were coming up with the next piece that could match Mozart on an organ. This is just a snipet as they were doing this for hours.
Hipster Odesey...
After finding Cesar a girl approached me and asked about my accent. Brilliant!
I then (and I'm not kidding here) sat there for 20minutes whilst seated and she stood. Listen to her talk NON-STOP about how she was brilliant and telling peoples accents and that I had apparently picked up a slight American accents which she could tell (having not known what my accent was before I got to the US). She also preceeded to list all the countries she's lived in. And the fact that she was really intelligent and was going to be a professor one day. I asked her what she did now. 'I'm on incapacity benefits but I work under th counter'. She then apologized for 'offending us' (which I think she did to Cesar after saying that he'd done well to speak English or something that well). I asked why we would be offended. 'Because I'm a woman with a brain and I'm intelligent and people find that intimidating'. I asked if she knew who Carol Vorderman was' finally she left and I turned to the 4 other people dotted about in the room who i was giving looks to throughout the piece and shouted 'Why did no-one butt in that conversation and help us out' she was insane. I then quoted her 'Oh I'm sorry if I offended you' etc.
I'd seen this girl earlier at the party wearing her swimsuit but also a thong UNDERNEATH her swimsuit. I also watched as the drunkest man on his own at the party tried to throw a rubber ring into the air for her to dive off the board and through. They tried this about ten times and still didn't pull it off.
