Independence day poo party

Hello readers.
Last month was the 4th July this is the day that celebrates the Declaration of Independence from the best country in the world The Great Britain. The day is a national holiday and there are BBQ's, parties and general drinkage.
On this day I was invited to my first Pool Party. Imagine that a house with a pool! The images were already  forming. I'd arrive to pumping house music walk through two massive gates to the back patio decking area where upon a multitude of girls clad in bikinis were shaking their bottoms whilst people shouted 'PART-EE' a lot before some girls took their bikini tops off as everything got a bit wild. This has come from a lot of American 80s films I saw whilst growing up. Esp Porkies, Bachelor Party and probably Teenwolf or something.
I could not wait as being a Brit I was bound to be taken advantage of as already I wasn't going to take my swimming costume so therefore I'd probably look all awkward and nerdy (this wasn't my ploy it's more to do with body consciousness).

The whole night could not have been further away from this.
After arriving at the party and seeing the pool it reminded me of something that i'd see on Cowboy Builders I expected to see two swinging doors to get onto the diving board. There were a couple of people there. A couple in the pool and one or two dotted around the outside. But we were early I'm sure loads of people would turn up later shouting 'PART-EE' later carrying cakes of beer and just jumping in the pool fully clothed or in their PJs collecting a brick from the bottom of the pool.
So I just played musical chairs for a while and ate from the BBQ and the giant Cheese ball bottle.

My friend Cesar finally took the plunge in the pool and easily pulled off the this is MY pool Tony Montana look. If you fucked with him he would take a chainsaw to your inflatable.

By this time I'd decided to change into shorts (not worn since the Coachella Top Gun look i accidentally pulled off). Later however I went back to jeans the same colour as the shorts though so I could fool people into thinking that I hadn't actually changed three times that day like the idiot I am.
Later on we went outside to witness some fireworks being let off in the street. This is something that would never happen in the UK after numerous adverts I watched as a child....

After witnessing this poor firework display I was pretty much hoping that the person holding the firework would accidentally aim it at a car which would then explode. Fireworks were placed in the road as well during which time cars were actually passing by. Oh but then one turned out to be a cop car! Everyone rushed inside. Oh but before that the party got really good as someone started 'planking' Urgh. Here's one planking shot the planker.

I aslo saw his try and 'plank' and post box and himself across three cool boxes on which someone else planked on top of him that was a lot a planking more than you'd see in B&Q.

After this I went to find Cesar inside and tell him that because of the noise and the fireworks the party was being shut down at 10.30 by the cops.
Inisde the house I witnessed some live music by two drunk hipsters thinking they were coming up with the next piece that could match Mozart on an organ. This is just a snipet as they were doing this for hours.
Hipster Odesey...

After finding Cesar a girl approached me and asked about my accent. Brilliant!
I then (and I'm not kidding here) sat there for 20minutes whilst seated and she stood. Listen to her talk NON-STOP about how she was brilliant and telling peoples accents and that I had apparently picked up a slight American accents which she could tell (having not known what my accent was before I got to the US). She also preceeded to list all the countries she's lived in. And the fact that she was really intelligent and was going to be a professor one day. I asked her what she did now. 'I'm on incapacity benefits but I work under th counter'. She then apologized for 'offending us' (which I think she did to Cesar after saying that he'd done well to speak English or something that well). I asked why we would be offended. 'Because I'm a woman with a brain and I'm intelligent and people find that intimidating'. I asked if she knew who Carol Vorderman was' finally she left and I turned to the 4 other people dotted about in the room who i was giving looks to throughout the piece and shouted 'Why did no-one butt in that conversation and help us out' she was insane. I then quoted her 'Oh I'm sorry if I offended you' etc.
I'd seen this girl earlier at the party wearing her swimsuit but also a thong UNDERNEATH her swimsuit. I also watched as the drunkest man on his own at the party tried to throw a rubber ring into the air for her to dive off the board and through. They tried this about ten times and still didn't pull it off.

I then decided we would leave this Part-eh?

Cycle of Fear

Whilst staying at my friends place for the week I decided to go for a bike ride along Los Angeles river.
I was using my friend Rena's bike which is pretty much a girl's bike with a big basket at the front.

This was bike with special brakes as in it didn't seem to have any. When i started off on the street (on the wrong side of the road I'll point out) I tried to grab the handlebars where  the brakes should have been and there were none! Instead you have to pedal backwards in order for the brakes to work! I did not like this.
Anyway I road along the road and found the entrance to the lane. Switched on my itouch and pedaled.
I passed many serious cyclist on the lane (actually they passed me) and i didn't mind if they laughed at me on my girly bike. I was on a nice afternoon out. After nearly running over a squirrel 3miles later i reached on end of the lane. I then turned around and headed back.
This was after a near death experience when I went down the steep verge back through the gate which lead straigh to the edge of the river and forgot how to use my new brakes.
I also saw that someone had set up a home in the middle of the river

Part of the way back I needed a little toilet stop so on my way back I saw some cubicles so vered off the lane and rode into the car park and up to the cubicles.
However I noticed some men 'hanging around' the cubicles. Strange I thought. Two were oldish and there was another round the other side on his own. By now it was too late anyway I neeeded to go. So there I was little Jeremy pulling up on his dainty girly bike to what now looked like a cottaging centre. I can imagine they saw me as pulling up and ringing my bell singing 'la la la - oh I need to use one of these cubilces - hello boys - ooh there's no lock on this one - anyone could come in' (there was no lockon the one I used).
After peeing at the rate of 40 knots I got back on my bike and gave them all a wave and blew them a kiss (not really). However I was tempted to look up 'cottaging areas in LA' on google.

The Beast

The other week I stayed at my friends place for a week whilst they went on holiday. They had a lovely apartment however I had to look after their cat.

I have no experience of looking after a cat. And what was worse was I was not allowed to let the cat out of the apartment. Every day whenever I couldn't see the cat in the apartment I thought 'i've lost the cat' and then had to go around the apartment till I found it.
The cat also took a liking for my socks going for them with it's claws. My socks are always colourful or patterned so I had to start wearing my Who Converse. This had the same effect with colours and laces so I had to revert back to leather boots.
I think the fact that the cat was black as well added to my fear of it. Have you seen Sabrina the Teenage witch? That cat can talk!

I left my shampoo in San Francisco

Sorry avid readers for my gap in blogs. I've been busy trying to remember my password for the past month. Today after 1492234 attempts I typed it in correctly. Only after I realized i had my laptop on Caps Lock. I thought there were only so many ways I could type the words Bruce Forsythe.
Anyway I recently went on a trip to San Francisco. We set off early as this was going to be a 6-7 hour drive. I immediately played on my Itouch 'Flickgolf' like a 10 year old would sat ni the back of his parents car (my parents here were Matt and Tita). Although I was good and didn't start asking 'are we there yet' until the 4th hour. I then got told to shut up and 'do you want me to pull over and give you a smack'. Judging by Tita's face she would have left a mark and i would then have enough proof to go to the authorites. So I shut up.

After arriving at Tita's friend place where we were staying we all went out for dinner at  an Italian restaurant that looked like it would feature on 'Ramseys' Kitchen Knightmares'. The exterior looked like it was from the 60's and the interior looked like it was from the 40's.
Here's a nice painting they had up

I did expect to hear Gordon out the back shouting at someone until they cried and had a mental breakdown before storming past me and then being called back by the staff. If only we came after he did one of his makeovers. Anyway I played it safe and had an omlette.

After we saw some bands that evening we decided to go get some breakfast foods for the champions league final the next day

When we met a very nice man - who would have thought it in San francisco?

After this footage he met two girls from earlier in the night and a scream/howl/siren went off like a thousand casts being castrated. Damm it I never get the best bits on film.

The next day we went along haight ashbury for some shopping. After leaving Tita and Matt to meet them in about 20mins the Heavens opened and I stood under a shop canopy for about an hour as I'd looked at everything in the shop and couldn't see another shop to hang about in. So I just stood on the street.

Above is a strange creature I saw who sucked out allthe rubbish from the bin with his large snout.

I was asked later if I took any photos of the area? I asked why I would. It was then pointed out to me that is was a famous street in the 60s/70s - I had no idea though. To me it was a street of shops and mental people.

After more bands in the evening. We retired to our second persons apartment.
Sunday we went down to the beach area to where some old bath remains were and some caves.

Here's me contemplating whether who is better Submariner or Aquaman.


We later went to the piers and found a great arcade museum. I spent the afternoon playing the original Star Wars arcarde game along with the atari grand prix game (both of which i didn't do well in) I think that these games are a lot harder than anything on the x.box.

After this we went to go down Lombard Street which is the windy road as featured in many a film including Bullet. We spent about an hour in a line of cars on a street at an angle of about 90 degrees. I never liked doing hills starts and how Matt managed to start off with out 1) screeching his wheels or 2) rolling back and hitting the car behind. I don't know.
After this we finally started our travel back. This time it felt like i'd been on a flight. I also wanted on occaision when passing a large truck wanted us to pull underneath the truck like in Smokey and the Bandit.
We didn't do this.
Here are some other pics from San fran

Navy Seal Team Six celebrating

Would you believe - Cocktails!

LA Galaxy Vs New York Red Bulls Soccerball match

Last night I went to watch the game of scooerball bewtween the Los Angeles Galaxy and the New York Red Bulls. East vs West, Beckham vs Henry, Biggie vs Tupac and errm Randy Newman vs Alicia Keyes

Randy Newman - I love LA
New York Alicia Keys

Anyway both top of their leagues and wanting to prove whose the boss (like Tony Danza). This was a widely hyped game with LA Galaxy wanted to avenge an ealier lose. I wore a white t-shirt and wrote the word Donovan on the back (I can now aslo wear this to the Donovan concert I am going to).
So after collecting my ticket from Will Call (nice bloke). I buy my $13 Corona and take my bench seat. First up is the National Anthem.

So what do I do? I'm English. I haven't read the formalities for someone elses anthem. Like what do you do if you meet the Queen and you are a Republican? Do you still bow or curtsey? Do you do it just curtsey out of courtesy?
So I stand with my beer in my hand...Is this rude as well? I don't place my hand over my heart as I've seen on tv. I put my hand in my pocket - but this means it's near my genitalia. Again does this mean that I'm dissing the flag by placing my hand nearer my penis than my heart and am I kind of pissing on the flag? Should I take a sip from my beer or is this equal to being drunk whilst the anthem is played? I don't even know the words - and if I sing along is that treason against my Queen? After a BIG finale by the singer it's over and I shout God Save America by accident.

The players come out and the announcer erm announces their names

David Beckham gets a big cheer - the announcer sounds more like he should be introducing boxers onto the field though.
So after kick off. New York are all over the LA Galaxy half. And within minutes Thierre Henry shows his class and after a lucky rebound takes the ball round the keeper and then nutmegs a defender to score a goal. This immediately deflates the crowd and mass booing ensues.

Thierry Henry goal
Really New Yorks game plan was working to a tee for teh first 20 minutes and LA Galaxy were leaving all sorts of gaps whilst only seeming to use the left side for going forward due to seemingly not having a left winger. After a while LA came back into the game with Beckham occaisionally switching the play with a trademark cross field pass. Then LA broke into a few shots (including and disallowed offsied goal) which they should really have scored from. Finally after 40 minutes a cross from Beckham resulted in Landon Calrissian heading in the Woodward>Equalizer.

 Donovan goal
Then moments later Donovan takes the ball around the keeper at the edge of the box and has the whole of the goal to score in. But then calmly tries to side foot it slowly into the empty goal. This gives the defender plenty of time to run back and clear it off the line. Bad Donovan!
After half time Galaxy seem to have cahnged their formation (without commentary i can't tell how). And play a lot better in the second half. However the finishing leaves a lot to be desired. A Beckham free kick towards the end of the match only achievs a save for the cameras from the NY Bulls keeper.

And the final whistle blows. The crowd also think it blows that LA couldn't muster a win. Henry won over Beckham today with some lovely subtle touches and I swear he did his look one way/pass the other trick.

Here's highlights of the whole game for football people
Highlights

Itouch myself

Before I got to LA I used to sit next to Jon (my ex-flatmate) and look longing at his Iphone. And thought to myself ‘I.Phone’ (in a neaderthal voice). They are too expensive though. Then After receiving a Christmas bonus at work last year I hear about the Itouch. Which is like the Iphone but without the phone (so just an I?).
So I needed a new Ipod anyway and wanted the ‘apps’ and Wifi connection to hang around in cafes with. I bought it and immediately downloaded Streetfighter 4 & Mortal Kombat as my first ‘apps’. These I played on the plane over to LA.
Later on while walking around LA listening to Flowered Up or The Mock Turtles I stop off at the odd Café and go ‘wireless’ (I’m currently undercover for the FBI so I just take a break from recording gang related conversations). As a very part time writer I sometimes have to write stuff down in my notebook. Now though I don’t need a notebook as there is a notebook on my Itouch so I do need a notebook but not a real notebook – take note. A little keypad or touch pad appears and luckily I have delicate tiny man hands that can touch the right keys. After a while of tapping my wpm start to increase and before I know it I start to think that I must look like some man genius the amount of typing I’m doing. Like in that film D.A.R.Y.L or Short Circuit when Jonny five reads really quickly or that the Government has placed a computer chip in my brain. Either way I think I now look pretty clever and intelligent. I also have a couple of ideas for apps now so if anyone knows how to do them please contact me.
The downside is that I also downloaded FlickFootball. This involves you kicking a ball with by flicking your finger across the screen and getting the ball into the goal.
I play this all the time. Waiting for a bus, at a bar, in the restroom. I even played it whilst watching a real live football game. I’m now worried that I’m going to strain my finger like when David James ( I ♥ David James) injured himself from playing too many games on his Playstation. Or that my finger is going to be twice the size of all my other fingers (like my right arm is slightly bigger than my left). If that happens I’m going to have to use all my other fingers to get them up to matching sizes. I also make faces when I play. I stick my toungue in the side of my mouth and chew it - i've done this all my life when concentrating. Like when I used to draw laods i stuck my toungue at the side of my mouth and chewed - perhaps I should do this when trying to write. Perhaps I have some bodily chemical that's released when I chew from my toungue that heightens my performance - although perhaps I should restrain form using it whilst having sexy times with a lady incase it looks like i've taken drugs in order to get through the love making.
When playing I also make facial expressions when I miss a goal or just generally cock up my free kicks. Again anyone watching me would think i'm having some sort of flashbacks or something. Regardless I probably look like a mentalist. And also - is it cool to play on your Iphone/Touch? Do you look modern and technically logically sound. Or do I look like a man who can't grow up and plays video games with no real conception of getting on in life. the decision is yours. Got to stop typing now my right index finger is hurting from typing.

Coachella Ella Ella

Well after weeks and weeks and days that make up weeks. I finally had my last weekend in Los Angeles and rounded it off with the Coachella Festival. Kings of Leon, Arcade Fire, Strokes, Interpol, Suede, Tame Impala, Duran Duran, Chemical Brothers, Elbow, Presets, Black Keys, Marina & The Diamonds, Delta Sun? Best Coast and Kayne West. I’ve been dying to get my own back on Kayne west for a year now since he jumped on stage during Taylor Swifts acceptance speech. My plan was to jump on stage grab the mike off him and say yeah but we all know that Taylor Swift should be headlining Coachella. Then at Glastonbury this yea I’m going to jump onstage during Beyonce’s gig and grab the mike off her and say that ‘Yeah but we all know that Kayne West should be headlining Glastonbury’. And thus start a cycle of events between the three that will culmulate in a three way at next years Wrestlemania.

Anyway the day was to start at 6am when I arrived at the subway station for my friend to get to the Greyhound coach station for 6.30am. Like Charlie and his Cat I waited but no-one turned up. I phoned got through to voicemail and then thought right do I leave this person whose ticket I have and dosen’t know where the coach station is to make their own way? After 15 mins I can see them running up the street. I’ve checked the time of the next train – she has three minutes to get up the road across two crossings, down the escalators and into the train. We make it although before we’ve even reached the sweltering temperatures of Coachella I’m already sweating after our Olympic event of dashing.

We reach the Greyhound station at 6.33am. What a weird place that was at that time. There were two other pairs of people going to Coachella. I deduced this from age, luggage and fashion. A man wearing a baseball jacket trying to make the odd bit of conversation without success to anyone. And a man in his mid-late 20’s wearing a vest top and shorts with a carrier back. Strange for that time in the morning I though. Turns out I was right he was strange as in stranger danger call Walker Texas Ranger. He was sat on the row of seats to our left and was shaking and comforting himself by rubbing his hands up and down his arms. He then started saying ‘You can do this, you can do this’. My friend went to get some water from a nearby shop and in that time he started weeping. The other American guy asked ‘what are you crying about’. He pronounced that he was fine. I could then hear him regurgitate the word ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’. My friend came back just intime to witness him singing. Then out of the blue he turns to our direction with eyes WIDE OPEN as he could and immediately saying in a camp American accent ‘So. Where are you two going’. Almost in a state where if he doesn’t find out the answer a bomb will go off in his stomach. My friend answers Coachella. Luckily a veteran of Coachella now sat next to us butts in the conversation and says he was Big Audio Dynamite last night so without hesitation I talk to him. Always talk to the lesser of potential murderous drifters.
Our coach arrives the ‘Pespi, pepsi, pepsi’ guy leaves to get on it. Now our silence can be broken and my friend and I discuss what just happened. Thank God he is getting on that coach. Oh hang on that’s our coach too! On entering the coach we notice it is full. We start to walk down I spot a seat right at the back. Guess whose sat on the back row with an old woman spluttering out her guts through not being able to smoke for more than 10 minutes. Yes Mr ‘So…Where are you going today’. Abort Abort Abort! Retreat! Use the fire exit! There’s no way back people are behind you now trying to find seats. You have to take it. HA! No I don’t Sir would you kindly move your bag – saved with one row to go. After which the delirious guy gets out of his back seat and walks to the front of the coach and waits for the driver. I guess ‘He couldn’t do it’. I think that Greyhound are much the same as National Express coaches in Britain from what Jon once told about a trip he had up to Manchester on one. I still think that man had accidentally killed someone the night before and was doing a runner.
After changing coaches we get on the ‘proper’ Coachella coach everyone is younger than me, trendier and showing more skin than me (I’m in jeans). Oh look someone has bought their guitar onboard – Great! Can’t wait to hear their rendition of Death From Above 1979. We get some lad or jock shout out ‘COACHELLA BABY WOOOH!’. There was no reaction. Apart from me saying ‘Shut up and sit down’. I’m really in the Coachella spirit. Again I have a seat next to me. About 80% of the coach is young ladies. So the odds on me getting a lanky 6ft spotty guy who bites his nails for the entire journey are about 100-1. If only I could put such a bet on on Sky Bet as I would have been 100 pounds up 5 minutes later. I could not believe he hadn’t bitten down his fingers to a stub by the time we got off the coach. And what did he do with the bits that he did chew off? Did he swallow or spit? Either one makes me gag.
Finally after taking the local sunshite bus we get to the Shadown Mountain Resort. Which on reflection sounds like a holiday camp for evil geniuses. After getting through the Iron gate I spy someone on a golf buggy. I want a go on one of those.
We get to our apartment. Looks fine and leads out to the swimming pool which if this was a resort for evil geniuses would retract across revealing a night night secret lair. The following morning at the resort we go for breakfast by the pool and have two old men playing covers of songs.

They do a version of 'I shot the Sheriff' in which one of them spurts the line after the chorus 'I shot him stone cold dead'. Which made the other one laugh. Although In my head I wished he'd said after the chorus 'I shot that motherfucker in the head, blew his brains everywhere, he ain't getting back up'.

I never checked late at night if a massive laser gun rose up from this pool. But there were a lot of white fluffy cats wearing diamond encrusted collars roaming around the pool area??? Que Thunderbirds music...

I finally unvail my legs by putting on my shorts with my pair of ‘The Who’ conversse trainers/sneakers. Put on my sunglasses (again not since I was 16 have I worn a pair). I felt like Tom Crusie in Topman as my shirt and shorts where from the store. Apply my factor 50 (yes 50 – it actually went up to 100 in the shop). I think anything over 100 works in reverse and makes you whiter. And off I go to Coachella!
After a short walk from the shuttle bus to the entrance I realize that I’ve put my special band on my left hand on not right as instructed in the manual. So I think up excuses incase they point this out to me at the entrance (it was very strict in the manual to go on the right and pointed out if any wristband had to be changed it would cost you $25). So I thought, ‘oh I was in a rush, my friend just gave me the wristband and not the instructions, I’m left handed so it’s easier for me to put it on my left hand (I hadn’t worked out if this would be the case). And finally ‘What fucking difference does it make anyway, look if I put my hand over this here it’s not on my right side more than where my right arm is’. Or finally ‘I thought it meant YOUR right as you look at me not MY right’.
I waltzed in, not literally they only let one person in at a time and it takes two to waltz.
I take pictures of the Ferris Wheel, some balloons, a dome and some stages before watching The Drums, Tame Impala, Black Keys, Kings of Leon and The Chemical Brothers. Before getting the shuttle bus home which plays what sounds like music from a Carry On’ film on the way home. First day done, I put the TV to see on the news the police are looking out for a man wearing a vest and shorts with a carrier bag who is wanted for murder after supplying an overdose to his gay lover. Joking.

The second day I again put on my sunglasses and shots. I'm not feeling a lot more comfortable wearing them. Although looking back on my photos I'm now think I possibly looked totally gay. I believe instead of conveying the Cool Britania look or guitarist of one of the bands taking a stroll around after playing I looked much more like I should have been in the music video for a Wham! video.

As mentioned in previous blogs again I had some trouble seeing sometimes. I've come up with a solution though and from now on I will be taking this to all festivals and gigs.

However one glimmer of hope was one guy standing on something made him really tall and blocking everyones view behind him. After a lot of berating he still did not get down off what ever he was standing on. The crowd then started to throw bottles at him. He backed down - well done everyone I immediately felt a sense of commaradary with my fellow festivalers. Also when other people tried to barge their way through to the front for certain songs and just pushed people over I witnesses on girl PUSH BACK to a point where the guy and his mates were totally flumuxed on how to get by her and her mate. One of them pushed him so hard back I swear he was close to reacting by hitting her. Good on her though I would have just tutted to the person next to me if they'd done it past me.

I also witnessed two people lying in the middle of the fetival grinding on top of each other then the guy just getting out her tits and rubbing them in his face.

Suede were excellent playing all their hits and Brett Anderson going at such a pace and intensity I thought he was going to tear his shirt off and turn green or 'suede' (HA!) before punching anyone in the face. He didn't even stop to say anything about being 'back on these shores for the first time in years etc'. Just went from song to song. It was like hardcor porn. No foreplay just bang bang bang and BANG i'm done see ya! I thought my friend behind me was going to cum though judging by her reaction to seeing them play.

suede brett anderson

I also invented a new game a Coachella which you can play at all festivals. It trying to work out which toilet cubicle has been used the least in the layout of the toilet area. I thought it would be one at the entrance of the area as people would naturally just take a couple of steps into the area first before assessing where to go. Or perhaps it's the first one you see you should go to as people would be put off that one thinking most people would go to that one. Still had to hold my breathe going into each one.

Here's my obligatory 'peace sign' I never know what to do in photos. Although peace broke out immediatley after I made the sign. As you can see I lost both fingers after a freak sunbeam shot down and severed both peace fingers. So I stuck the other two on the other hand back at the sun and say 'F you sun'.

My View from Above

As you know I am not the tallest person. I've maybe or maybe not explained the problems at gigs. Where I think they should have a 'if you are taller than this height you may not enter this area' area. Like you have a theme parks to get onto rides. For short people to see at gigs.
Anyway here was my view on American Airlines of the only screen to watch the movie on.

He was so tall he extended his headrest upward (something I didn't know you could do).
And here's my view from my 'window' seat I chose for my flight back to LA yesterday...

Again a great view of the wing. At least I could see if there were any problems with it and warn the pilot.

Being pampered

Everyone in LA attempts to look good. And a lot pull it off. After my Coachella ‘call the fashion police, no wait better make it FBI’ faux pas I’m thinking I need appear on one of those make-over shows. Probably one where they tear me down mentally and physically before making me stand in a pit full of mirrors where bitchy women who’ve paid money to get in look from above drinking champagne hurling abuse at me before the police raid the place and find me cowering saying ‘Pepsi, pepsi, pepsi’ (see Coachella post).
Anyway I went to see a friend who worked in a spa for a late lunch and instead got invited in for a manicure. My immediate reaction was ‘Isn’t that a bit gay’? She replied that lots of men have it done. So I sat with my hands out and was told to relax them (how can one get tense about having his nails done?). So they were placed in warm water, dabbed with some vanilla stuff and then cut and filed. This made my hair on my arms extend up. As I have a thing for people who use nail files. It’s like scratching your nails down a chalkboard (Argh even now it’s making me shudder).
She then plucked the bits of skin form the bottom of my nail – where the bottom curve is?
She then made one of my fingers bleed, ‘oh that’s the first time I’ve done that’. Nice to know I was being treated with the same precision as a paying customer I told her. It would then not stop bleeding. I told her I was going to make a complaint and sue her shop for at least $10. I have to say though I did have nice shiny, smelly nails afterwards. Next week I’m getting my toe nails done.

Before my flight back to London I popped to New York and did LOADS of walking. To a point where later on in days I developed a funny walk as my leg limbs started to cease up. So at airport I saw a foot massage at $25 for 10 mins. That will cure it I though. So in I went. Foot massage please. They took my coat. I took off my shoes and Wolverine socks and waited in excitement as I’d often read that the feet contain nerves that can relax the rest of your body. I was looking forward to my massause finding spots on my feet that would result in my arm flinging out to the side as a unexpected result of that spot on the ball of my foot.

I lay back in the cahir and they turned on the chair. Which then proceeded to massage my back and neck. An added bonus a back and neck massage. The chair was very rigourous I wanted to get the full effect so pushed my back as far into the chair as I could. However as the motions moved up and down my back it gradually kept pushing me out of the chair from my lower back extending my stomach out to my neck making me look down. I spent the whole 10 minutes trying to work out if I looked wierds and weighed so little that the chair couldn’t help but push me out. Or whether because I’m little that my body wasn’t matched up to wear it was meant to be massaging me. After trying to work all this out I heard the words ‘Ok we’re done now’. I couldn’t relax at all during the foot massage. And got embarrassed when she tried to put my socks back on for me. One because I thought that was a bit much I can do that. Two because they had pictures of Wolverine on them.

The Joshua Tree

No not the album but the place. I've been told about Joshua tree loads and finally my chance came to go. However on the Saturday I was invited I'd been up all night being ill and was just resting on the sofa with my eyes rolling back when I got the call. 'Joshua Tree leave in one hour'. NO! I thought I'm ill but it's my only chance to go since my friend will be doing the 3 hour drive there. I grabbed some asprin and a pillow and jumped in the back of her car when she arrived. Not through the window David Starkey & Hutch style.
So we begin our journey with myself stating that I will not be speaking due to a sore throat. After stoppping off at a bar in the desert with real life country music band and bikers we arrive at Joshua tree.
From here we do some exploring. It reminds me of many an episode of Star Trek. I expect a Klingon or Ferenghi or Spock with a goatie attack at any moment. However no such attack arises and I carry on getting caught in rose thorns with my long coat. From here my inner child kicks me up the butt and kicks in. I start to do some mini rambling. jumping down little trenches and across small gaps. Then I see a couple of large rocks and think 'Id look cool standing on the top of that for a picture' I walk around seeing if I there is a simple way up. THere isn't BUT there are two indents in the side of one rock. So I put my right foot on the first indent push myself up so my left foot reaches the second indent and then push myself up on to the top of the rock and then climb onto the highest rock. I've made it - My Everest! My Killimanjaroh, My Ben Nevis, I'm at my peak. I get my picture done after shouting out triumphantly 'look at me i climbed up to here I'm on top of the world looking down on ceation and the only explanation I can find is erm I can't get down!'
After looking back and my route down I realize three things. One the slope down is very steep and I can't see where the two indents are now. If i go down with my back facing the rock I will just slide down and fall off a great height. My shoes I'm wearing are not Timberland or Millets but were Ravel with no grips on them at all.

By now my two friends were looking up at me asking how I was going to get down without ensuring a 127 minutes scenario where I just generally fall down and wait 127 minutes beofre the ambulance arrives after my friends have to call for one. I would of course cut off my arm so I can sell the story - hang on that's been done. I'll cut off my ear. Oh that's been done too. My penis? Nope it's been done. OK cut off my fingernails.
Still trying to work out how to get down I throw down my long coat as I think it will rip in any manner I attempt to get down. I then ask my two friends to tell me where to put my foot to find the higher foothole. It was kind of like a crystal maze game with no crystal to gain at the end and no maze. Although I could have been in the Aztec Zone by my surroundings. After turning my back and placing my life in their hands I finally make it down. I then wonder why there are no signs around waring males not to show off and climb up rocks without a plan for getting down. Nor Helmets given out. I also wonder how many bodies are out there in the desert of men falling off rocks just to ge one picture of themselves being manly and rock climbing in Ravel shoes.

Trojan Wedding Shower Commercial

OK so I've just watched this commercial on tv.
There are a couple of things that bother me about this ad.
One what is a 'Triphoria'? Does this mean it has three speeds? functions?
What the hell does 'Blow your hair back mean'? I know the phrase 'Blow your socks off' but I guess if the women each put their feet up on the table to show they no longer have socks then it wouldn't have the same impact (as well as forming the question how do the socks come off without the shoes as well).
OK so next she asks 'Who got me this' to which three women all show they have had their hair 'blown back'.
Now this means two things. One they have opened the box and used it on themselves, put it back in the box and then given it to her. And Two-they have only all just used it as you wouldn't turn up to a Bridal shower with your hair looking like that. So I guess they all sneaked into the ladies room as soon as they got to the bridal shower.
Ah ok 5 speeds 3 pulse settings well at least that is cleared up.

Now you have two 'real' women speak of how they find the Triphoria. 'It's like three massagers in one' and 'I love it, I absolutely love it'. Whereas they should be saying 'I use it straight after i've made love to my husband when he's done and fallen asleep AGAIN'. Or 'I fuck myself all the time with this thing it makes me cum so hard i black out for three days solid'.
So the bride takes it home andher husband is so over the moon that she has THREE he slams the kitchen table and shouts 'SWEET'. Now this means he can't pleasure her himself, she wants all three in her at the same time. Or he wants to use the third one on himself. Although I would have liked it if he pulled out his own 'massager' and said 'So I can use this on me so we don't have to touch each other anymore you repulsive cow'.

Battle LA

Well I just went to the movies to see new sci-fi action flick Battle:LA.
Basically aliens invade all the important cities in the world by the sea. So I'm still waiting to see Battle:Worthing (where I come from).

As soon as the opening scenes rolled it became very familiar with the marine troop consisting of an inexperienced teen who seems to have never drunk before and is a virgin. A guy who is about to get married and who has a best friend also in the core who likes flowers and is probably under the don't ask, don't tell, don't get an erection policy. Another guy who is happily married. A guy who has post traumatic stress syndrome from Afghanistan and one whose a bit of a redneck. If I ever join the marines I wonder which one i'd be by then? However the main guy is just about to retire and has a past where some of his troop died in a previous mission etc he joins the troop under the married guy who has just been made a leuitenant. OH and one member of the troops brother died under the guy who was just about to retire. So from the opening five minutes I was able to decide who was going to die, who was going to go nuts, who was going to be the hero and they would all turn up at the guys wedding at the end (although there was no wedding scene at the end).

The other point was I can't believe that Aliens posses the technology to fly across the Universe whereas we the best we have is the Virgin Galactic vehicle and yet still arrive totally ill prepared for bullets. Even we manage bullet proof vests. Oh and they find out how to kill them by capturing one and just stabbing away at him till one stabbing kills him/her and then send out the message 'shoot to the right of where the heart should be'. In this case i'd ask 'am i facing them - or is it their right of the heart'?????? They do look pretty cool coming out of the sea though in the same way the sea devils do in Jon Pertwees Dr Who series.

Also how on earth (no pun intended) do these aliens have such bad targeting equipment. Surely with advance technology than can must up something that improves their shots better than me playing Duck Hunt on my Nintendo. At times though the film did remind me of something you'd see on an X-Box. Although there isn't that much of the alien invaders featured which was disappointing.
The main focus was on the troops. With the prediction that newly assigned rookie Lieutenant loses it in battle then sacrifices himself to leave marine with a past to take over. He gives a big speech when questioned about the troops he got killed in which he quotes all their numbers to the brother of one of the victims. In my mind I thought it would be funny if the only number he couldn't remember was that of the guys brother. They pick up some civilians on the way - one of whom is a pretty lady who asks him if he has any children - he doesn't and neither does she. Of course that's the first question you ask someone during an alien attack. I got asked this once on a plane by the passenger next to me (we weren't in the middle of an alien invasion when he asked). I answered yes so I could be spared feeling inadequate. As he would respond with tellingl me how wonderful his kids where-as I have no concept of what he was talking about. It's like asking 'do you smoke' and then telling me how wonderful it is.
Anyway so obviously he's found a wife now for when he survives. There are also some kids they rescue who also survive over most of the troops. He also becomes a father figure to one of them after his dad dies. So he's now managed to pick up a wife and a child. I bet that wasn't on his e-harmony profile.
And yet again earthlings overcome by just finding the main command centre and using words like 'Let's show these bastards', 'Outstanding' and 'We're taking back LA' to blow it up. It's always that easy. If it were set in the UK we'd use words like 'Let's show these ruffians' 'Good Show' and 'Fuck Worthing it's shit anyway'. I bet the next lot who invade will have gine through the check list. 'Ok guys, we're imune from all germs on Earth, we have Norton Security in our systems to stop any viruses, and we're not going to use radio controlled drones as once they cut off the signal they will fall from the sky. Ok what kind of ammo do they use again, ah that's the least of our worries'.

There wasn't even an Independence Day moment where they blew up the Hollywood sign or Lindsey Lohan in it! It's mostly a war movie with a constant number of shoot-outs in the wreckage of LA against inferior Terminator machines.

Please if any aliens are reading this please come properly equipped if you are going to invade or don't bother at all as there's a lot of cleaning up to do afterwards when you fail.

Hang the DJ

So I get a call from my good friend Dia on Tuesday midday asking if I'd like to DJ at the Satelitte for they have a Smiths tribute band on called 'The Smiths Indeed'. This is the perfect evening for me to DJ as I am a 'tribute' DJ in that I'm not as good as the real thing.
I have my itunes on my laptop and therefore need to burn some tracks onto some blank CD's. I but the cheapest pack of five CD's I can find. All loose in a pack for $2.99. I get home and start selecting my playlist. I try to put in a bit of everything (you never know exactly the crowd that will turn up - oh hang on I do - it's Smiths fans). I put some Manchester crica 1985-1991 in there as well as some British Pop or Britpop if you will.
I am also not allowed to play any Smiths/Morrissey that evening by order of the band.
I put in 129 tracks. Put in the first of my blank CD's (the blue one) and realize that it will hold 20 tracks. Hmmmm 129 divided by 5 equals time to go back to the shop and buy some more blank CD's.
I arrive home again with some more coloured CD's this time with cases with them. Now I more blank CDs but doubled up on the same colours.
After burning all my CD's I place them in a case each and write down all the tracks on a piece of notepaper which I slip into the inner case. I mark at the top of the notepaper (black CD, Green CD, Red CD, Pink CD, Orange CD etc oh and Black 2 CD).
I place them in my bag and venture to the bus stop.
After arriving I walk behind the sound system where I think I am DJing. I'm then shown that the CD decks are on the main bar floor area. As I walk behind them I realize that I'm too short to actually see the counter display moniters on the decks (this is essential if I am to start Ride at the exact right moment later). So Sylvia fetches me a crate to stand on. I was blind now I can see. Although it did feel like being a 3 year old just putting CDs into the slots just to see them disappear for a while.
So I play some easy listening type tracks to usher the people in. I then move onto some more contemporary stuff - it's all fine. My colour system and labeling is all fine. I play for an hour and a half before the first band play.
I then decide to put all my CD's back behind the sound system because obviously someone will want to steal them after hearing all the great tunes i'd just played.
Then about half an hour later the band end without saying thankyou to the audience or you can buy our CD from the lady at the back thus not giving me any warning that I'm meant to play a record when they walk off stage.
I run behind the sound system - grab my CDs' in one hand and then drop them. they all open and CD's go rolling around. I scoop them up and just put in the first CD I now open.
The Rolling Stones Gimmie Shelter plays. I get a good nod from a man in the audience. Now the next problem is there is no vocals on the record. I ask the sound guy if he's left a knob down? He says everything is fine. I switch to deck two. The Clash. Same again. I am now getting looks from the audience. I fiddle with a wire at the back and the vocals come back. However i am getting small electric shocks whilst holding them and have to keep them held in while the sound guy finds another wire.

I pick up another CD and cue it - I press play and it's not the right CD. It's Pink in the Orange Case (as my label says Orange at the top). Argh with one hand holding the wires in place I flip open the other CD's. New problem it's dark, Pink, red, orange all look the same in the dark.  I put in another CD, Stevie Wonder! Not what I want to play. I find what I do want to play - track nine - James. Guess what comes out - The Smiths !!! Something that i've been banned from playing (Black 2 cd is in Black 1 case). The crowd cheer - and within 5 seconds I've pushed it on 2 tracks. Ha that was just a teaser of what you might hear later!
Finally the wire is changed and I have two hands (the way God inteded) to re-arrange my CD's).
I finish the night on a high with Suede and Pulp and numerous requests for more Suede and Pulp.
So please come to my new night Suede and Pulp night (i have the best of suede in one deck and the best of Pulp in the other i will alternate between the two all night).

My Tarrantino night

Well I well and truely arrived in Hollywood last night. From a simple last minute decision to visit the New Beverley Cinema (Tarrantinos cinema) and watch two films starring Rod Taylor (no I hadn't heard of him either) turned my night into a quite surreal one.
Firstly the two films I saw were 'The Dark of the Sun'  about a gang of Mercenaries who were paid to recover some diamonds from a town in the Congo before it got looted by the local savage tribe.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062863/
and 'Hell River' which is also known as 'Partizan' & 'Tactical Guerilla' which was about the struggle of Yugoslavs against the evil Nazi Adam West and a great German actor called Peter Carsten who seems to have been flavour of the month in playing Nazis as he was also in the first film playing a child killing, chain-saw weiding, raft building Nazi. Quite an all rounder. Anyway I'm never quite sure how Adam West got any acting work at all  it was like watching Hugh Grant pay Pinochio. His best moment though was firing a maching gun whilst on skis in a white jumpsuit with a maniacal laugh greeting his enemy before being easily shot for the fact of skiing with both hands whilst his gun was still around his neck towards his enemy.

So I went off to a bar afterwards in which there was a man dressed as a manatee at the bar. I found out he was a manatee when I asked whether he was a walrus or a seal. It's probably the equivalent of someone asking me if I'm Australian or a New Zealander in the US.
Just as last orders are called my friend Tinita shows up and her friend works at the bar two doors down. She tells me he has sent her a text that Quentin Tarrantino is at his bar. I tell her to 'drink up - we're going'. Which fair play to her she didn't complain that she had a whole bottle to finish.
Now when I came over to LA I bought the cheapest phone I could to work over here. It has everything on it at about a tenth of the strength. My camera on this phone. 0.3 MP which takes a picture worse than I could probably sit there and draw it. I ask Tinita what camera she has with her. Hers it worse than mine in that she doesn't have one. Argh! However I'm then told not to have my photo done with him as it's kind of the thing you DON'T do in Hollywood.
So we go to the bar and we see Tarrantino is sat right at a bar as we walk in. We walk straight past. I then spend the last half hour of the evening spying on him through little windows in the wall seperating the bar and the booth area. Much like Rod Taylor did in the film I watched earlier shooting at Nazis.
We are finally asked to leave the bar at closing, I speak to a party of three others who were at the other bar earlier (one of whom I find out is a porn star). She tries her luck in going straight to Tarrantinos booth and asking for a cigarette. No Reservoir Dogs type scenario unfolds where he pulls out a gun and she pulls out a gun only for his gun to be a lighter.
So we wait outside on the 'sidewalk'. Then he finally comes out walks straight towards me. 'Hey you've got just the right indie boy, floppy hair, short ass gimp I'm looking for for my next film' he spurts out at me. Actually he didn't he walk past and off into the Sunset Boulevard. But wait! He stops at the Valet. It's now or never!
By now he's getting the odd 'Hey Quentin' remark off stranglers. I walk over 'Hey Quentin' i say (good start I thought). 'I've just been to see your Rod Taylor double bill at the Beverely cinema'. 'Oh hey what did you think?' He says whilst trying to look for the valet with his car'. 'Yeah they were excellent'. 'Oh cool' he replies (i still think he didn't even look at me). Before he trundles off and attempts to get into a car that isn't his.
One of my party comes over and shakes my hand claiming 'well done you spoke to him' five seconds later I reply. 'Did I just shake Tarrantnios hand...or was it yours'? I had no idea. If I can speak to Tarrentino then now for the next stage.... speaking to girls.
Oh and the other thing was I didn't think both films were excellent. The first one was good and the second was very long and boring. So I did actually lie to him (apologies Tarrantino _ I would have given you a whole critic but you had to find your car). I think the last time I lied to a celebrity was at the Christmas lights being turned on in Luton when Blue Peter presenter Katy Hill came to turn them on. She asked if we watched Blue Peter when we had our photo done with her. 'Yeah' I replied 'It's my favourite programme' I HATE BLUE PETER!
Join me next time as Adam West would say (well the voiceover man) Same Bat Time same Bat channel

Drinking in LA at 26

Firstly I'm not 26.
But I have been drinking in LA. A lot.
Everyone seems to do it here. Tall people, Short people, Older people, younger people, Girls, boys, girly boys.
I decided to go for a one drink ONE drink at about 10.30 in the evening so I walked down the road to Ye Rustic Inn. However I came up with a cunning plan before I went in. I took out my phone and held it in my hand. Entered the bar. Took one look up and down the bar and then pretended to phone my pretend friend who I was pretending was meant to be at the bar but I was pretending they hadn't showed up so I had to go back outside to pretend to phone them so I could leave the bar. It seemed to be large man night at the bar. The exact opposite of what I hoped would greet me (not that I was hoping for skinny man night at the bar - rather me entering the bar and the wind blowing behind me and the array of stools spinning around revealing an array of ladies not seen since Blofeld gathered his 10 women assasins in 'On Her Majesty's Secret Service'.
So on I went to the Good Luck Bar for my ONE drink. I had one. left and just though well I'll pop to El Chavos ONE block away as they have a happy hour on all night.
So I took my position at the bar on a stool pretty much in the middle of the arrangement. People were chatting away. I slowly drank my corona corona. Then before I know it. People have up and left their stools leaving me totally isolated and alone and helpless. Now I was exposed for what I was 'the lone drinker'. with no tonto to keep me company.
So I perhaps await an opportunity for Lindsey Lohan to join me before showing me her painted fingernails spelling out 'You sad man' to me.
About half hour later some guy sits one stool away from me and comments on my beer. So I chat to him for a bit he tells me he has just moved her to make 3 documentaries. One on a town, one on his dad's busniess and the third one her can't remeber...so erm two then?
Just as i've started speaking to him a nice young lady sits next to me. But now I'm trapped. I'm locked in conversation and there is no conclusion in sight to our conversation. He then hears a track he likes and proceeds to wave his hands in the air and wave them like he just does not fucking care. Now everyone is looking at him and subsequently me. The people drinking at the ends of the bar who've spotted me earlier now either think. Who is that guy he's with or 'Ha! that's what you get for sitting in exposed areas of the bar'

I tell him I'm working on three sit-coms. One about a failed music journalist, one about an up coming pretentious musician and erm I can't remember the last one - so errrrm two then!
I decide to have ONE more drink as he starts speaking to the woman next to him. And I might have cut free of this conversation net. But it's not stopped I get asked to name the price of her bag with him. After a while I get introduced to her husband. And then it's closing time. However that's not the end. After to speaking to the woman and her husband they seem like very nice people and one works in music and has worked with some great artsists and his wife is a journalist who is just about to go to San Fransico the next day for a new job. So they say they are having more dirnks at theirs and would I like to join them. I agree. They also invite wave your hands in the air kid as they think he is with me. I try to deter them without offending the guy. It dosen't work. I live around the corner form the bar. They tell me they live near as well. So we are all in the car and driving further and further away from the potential 3 minute walk I could have had home.
I then think perhaps I should just say no like the grange hill kids to any polite offer from anyone ever.
After arriving at their flat and drinking ANOTHER drink the younger guy who they thought was with me starts to talk bout how he got beaten up at school for cross dressing and things get more awkward when I point out that they might have beaten him up for his choice of clothes clashing or something. He didn't laugh and just looked at me. Anyway after talking about British comedy, American Policitcs, The English Class sytem and The Verve I finally leave and have to walk all the way home. I get in at 5am after leaving earlier at 10.30 for my ONE drink.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZ9KfKx8PmM

Television American style

I've been stuck in for a couple of days now since like Crowded House said 'everywhere you go you always take the weather with you' I seem to have bought to LA the whole rainful of the 3 months i'm here in one day judging by yesterday. Anyway I've so far watched a bio on Adam Lambert (who I had no idea who he was) and Taylor Swift (who I first heard about through Kanye West invading her award speech last year when I was here. I've heard Kayne West is being invited to the Royal Wedding this year. I hope he doesn't get up during the ceremony and shout 'ok ok everyone knows that Beyonce should have won the hand of the Prince'.
Anyway I've been very pleasantly surprised at the quality of the comedy here. And have so far enjoyed the Conan O'Brien show, Tosh.1 and the American Office. I also have seen lots of info shows including what I though said 'Improv Prostate Cancer' channel whilst flicking though. Only to flick back to see it said Improve Prostate Cancer - although why you would want to improve it I don't know. I also watched Tyra Banks show in which she attempted to talk about people who are born with both sex organs and that one in 2000 people are born with either a vagina and a penis or a penis and a vagina. She also said that one in 2000 people are ginger so there are as many both sex organ people as ginger people. I wonder what the odds are on being both ginger and having both sex organs.

Winding Up Bruce Lee

Today I found a great shop full of interesting items to do with pop culture.
There was a glass counter with loads of wind up tin toys including Rocket boy, a storm trooper and a darth vader. But there was also a wind up tin Bruce Lee! I walked over to the nice young lady behind the counter and asked her how much it was. So after she finished labeling things she reached into the glass counter and got the price from Mr Lees Kung Fu feet. $200 she said. Now immediately in the real world i should have said - that's way too much for me Good-day madam. Instead I then asked more questions about the toy to seem like i was a david dickinson type collector. Where was it made, When was it made, Who made it, How many of these are there. Confusing the assistant as she didn't know the answer to any of these she then went to fetch the manager who again thought I was interested in buyin it. He then got a ladder to fetch the box and I had a conversation with him about it. We couldn't find out when it was made. But I took down the manufacturer and said I was going to look it up on the internet - he then offered to do it himself there and then. I pointed out that I only live round the corner so it would be no trouble and that I would be back.
I left Bruce Lee to be placed back behind his glass cell. And hoping that one day his price would be reduced and that some idiot wouldn't get his hopes up to such an extent again. $200!!!!!

Restauranting

Well I'm certainly making the most of my time in LA by going out in the evening and sleeping in till past midday each day (today it was 3pm) I'm going to have to work out the formula for drinkxhoursxdancingxeating = hours of sleep. Although last night I got in at 5am after going to Dennys with a bunch of people I'd just met. After having stuff thrown at me (bits of paper) I quickly devised a game for them - 10 points for hitting my nose, 5 points for an eye and one point for face shot. I also added 50 point for hitting my Little Jeremy and coincidentally I got hit there right away. I then introduced a 100 point bonus if they came to pick it up where it had landed (they only scored 50 btw).
I've been to a lot of places to eat here with tons of things on the menu. I always have trouble deciding so I just have a burger. The other week after having a hot dog I was given the cheque. After receiving my change. I decided not to put the 'tip' back in the booklet as some of it was in change and I thought it would drop out when she picked it back up. So I had the rest of my tea whilst the the waitress came along and picked up the booklet thing. She opened it and the waitress suddenly turned red in the face and I could see my tea shaking.
'Do you not tip' she shouted at me. At this point I went all of a quiver. In my quiet timid voice I said yes and pointed to the tip i'd left on the table. At this point I should have taken it back in my pocket and said 'you've just null and voided that tip lady' and walked out.

The other tip mistake I made was when I gave a 50% tip on a meal as I thought i'd given the correct amount in cash only to discover when I got home that one of my twenty dollar notes was missing. No wonder he seemed so please as to my tip and I looked at him strangly thinking 'weirdo it was only 3 dollars'.
I also went to a cafe for dinner the other night. In that instance I had the dilema of where to sit. I was alone so did I want to sit on the two chair table by the window so everyone passing would see me with my meal for one and think 'poor little lonely man' No! I course I didn't want to take that table so instead I took the FOUR seated table. As soon as I received my tea and started I started to think - why did I sit here. If a party of 3 or 4 people come in they are going to want this table and I'm hoggin it. Also i'm making myself look more lonely like I'm expecting 3 friends to show up and they haven't. I thought about moving all my objects on my table over to the 2 seater table but thought this again would look weird to everyone else in the cafe. But alas in the end the other tables finished their meals and after that I was the ONLY person in the whole cafe - which also made me look lonley but also that i'd chosen a shit cafe to eat in.

The British tradition of Queing

Today I decided to go for a Que. I hate queing. I used to que jump by knowing people at clubs/bars and then working in music for a while I used to get on the GUEST LIST for gigs etc. Then when I moved away from music I had to start queing with common people again common people like me.
Anyway this morning I queued for Arcade fire tickets. After a number of tweets went out stating that they were to play a intimate gig in LA. They also posted that to stop people having to camp over night they would 'stagger the info' but then proceeded the night before to list three images which eluded to where tickets would be on sale. Ooooh now being from London (home of the best detective) and an ex researcher i thought I can crack the code, decypher the diagram, break the bastard.
However just by the power of google and what was quite obviously a postcode (zipcode) I a mere foreigner who didn't know any record shops in any area of LA (part from Ameoba) was able to find all three within about 2 goes. This was hardly the Da Vinci Code it was more the Duuuuuuur Vinci Code. The results came in at 9am the next morning confirming my suspicians.
So i turned up just after 9 to Echo Park. Saw a que and immediately joined it. It didn't look so bad. Stood there for a bit then the person 'in front' of me spoke to me. Ah I thought just friendly que banter. He pointed out to me that I'd joined the front of the que and that I was now first in line. Of course I pretended to know this (i didn't). Anyway he'd been there since 9 pm the night before. So much for not making people sleep over. I laughed and then walked along the line and joined it at the back (i believe this is the correct procedure). With the sun on my back and trying to get a signal to check whether I had any chance of getting a ticket I waited for the reassurance of other people joining the que behind me and thus not making me the last person.
After 1 hour the que suddenly moved only for me to be re-positioned in another que that was going the OTHER direction. I imagined that other people coming from the other direction had joined this que whilst we had made our way round and that in the end these people would cause me not to get a ticket.

So in the new que we waited. Tried to work out if the amount of people infront would take up the full 200 tickets. Made pleasant conversation about how delusional we were to even think that we'd be in with a chance. It's always reassuring to have other people who think along the same lines. Even if this line was too long and full of desperation. I saw a couple of people join their friends in the que ( is this allowed? Again I imagined that those people would be responsible for me not getting my tickets). Hang on though - the line was moving I could see the door area now. Like rowing for shore and finally seeing land. I actually thought we were going to make it. My British Queing feet weren't what they used to be.

I did a kind of standing in line work-out where you lift your left leg up, lift your right leg up, balance on the balls of your feet and down again, look at your phone, blow out your cheeks, and tut.
It seemed that the first 100 people had numbers and when the 100th went in and of course bought their two tickets. That was it. show was over, well show hadn't even started but it was over for us. After one last 'I'm not going until I hear it from an official' (like I was waiting for a whistle to be blown and a referee to come out and call full time). So that was it. I was about 50 people off in the end. But like somone said in the que earlier. This que is a bit like life. I then said well it's probably a reflection on my life in that I worked out how to get tickets but I was too lazy to get up and do something about it and half heartedly tried but kind of new that I wasn't going to get it.
Join me next week for another edition of queing with Jeremy. It's going to be sooooo exciting - see you at the back of the line.